Photo

I just added this photo of Alexander on the right. I still did not put up any picture of him our place and feel somehow strangely bad about it. But I still have a hard time looking at his image. On the other hand (this is again a very two-sided feeling I have like so many concerning Alexander and his death) I want to honor him and show everyone that I do not forget him. Anyway, I thought it might be a nice idea for me to slowly get used to his image to post some photos of him here. If I manage to do what I am planning I will change the photo every so often.

Some random thoughts

I ended up not going to the funeral. Again, just like with another death in the family of friends international travel prevented it. This time we had family from overseas come see us and since Luke is on a business trip one of us had to welcome them. I am not sure whether to be relieved or not but I guess it is more the former. This has something to do with the weather today: it is a beautiful spring day with a warm sun shining – just like it was on May 8 last year. I cannot believe it is almost a year ago that all this happened. How terribly long! And how terribly short… To imagine a life without Alexander is so hard to do. Very often I still feel like I cannot really understand what has happened. Still I feel like in a bad dream and wish to wake up. There are moments when I can see things very clearly, too. I guess in a way I just don’t want this to be real and my life so I try unconsciously to prevent myself from seeing this reality clearly. Am I the only one doing that? Is this normal? Then again I learned that nothing is normal when you are going through this kind of grief. Still I wish that there would be some path that I could hold on to, that would tell me where this path will lead me in the future. I wish so badly for all of us, my entire family, to be really happy again. Like really happy. I think I will have to wait for that some more unfortunately.

Problems again

It feels as if something or someone does not want us i.e. my family to calm down. Last week Magnus’s friend mentioned his serious suicidal thoughts in front of him. The discussion ended with the friend being transported to a psychiatric clinic by the police on my brother’s call. My parents had to come see him in his apartment to calm him down again. I was worried about my little brother having that much responsibility but also so proud of him for having done that. How could we, any of us, ever live without doing something again? Anyone mentioning such thoughts to us must be aware of that.
Last weekend we went skiing, which was good to just get me to think about something else. The worry over my brother and a general incredible sadness had taken hold of me for most of the last week. Being out in the mountains with some friends helped to get a free head again. I felt ready for another week when my dad called me Monday around noon to tell me that one of Magnus’s friends had called him (my dad) to warn him that Magnus was in what looked like a heavy depression-wave. Apparently he spent days in bed crying, skipping school, and not getting anything done. It turned out that those things happened but quite a while back and he seems to be doing relatively fine. However, it scared me deeply. I am about to go abroad again, starting in April for a research project, and I worry so much about my little brother. It seems to be a repetition of the time I went to the same country a few years ago when he had some serious problems, too. Back then I did not see quite how serious they were. What, if I am underestimating them yet again? These thoughts seem to haunt me. How can I be sure nothing will happen this time? Somewhere deep down I do trust Magnus that he will be fine but then again I have been wrong before. I would have, no I have sworn that Alexander would be fine yet he did the most awful thing he could have done and took his life. Oh, if I would only know better what to do this time and would know that what I am doing if fine.
Last night I got the text message of an old high school friend of mine whom we were planning to meet over the weekend saying that her dad had just died. Her dad! Another shock, he was a really kind guy whom I had met on several occasions when we were over at her house during school time. What would I do if my dad died now? I am praying that nothing like that will happen to us in the near future. I don’t think we could take it.
Now I will have to attend the first funeral since Alexander’s next week. I am shivering when I think of it. Hopefully it will not remind me of my dear brother's funeral too much.
I am praying this is the last bit of bad news before I have to go. I am scared to be all alone over there for a couple of months and it certainly does not help to know that my family is not doing completely fine. I just love them all so much that I cannot stop myself thinking and worrying about them even though I know that I have to give myself time to grief, time to heal and time to work on my own projects. Easier said than done.

Ten Months

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola

Birthday again

I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.

Birthday anniversary

While I slowly and with backlashes feel like I am regaining control over my life there is another worry I have now. My dear brother, twin brother to Alexander, is having a rough time right now. He split up with his girlfriend of three years only a few days ago and is additionally worn out by the amount of work he is doing. Additional the weight of his and Alexander’s upcoming birthday wears on him. While I wish I could take some of the burden off him I also know that he has to live through it himself. All I can do is believe in him (and I know he can do it) and pray for him that he will get better soon. After several weeks in agony he finally decided what he wants to do on Friday. I hope it will be fine for him. No way is it going to be good but if he can at least make it through the day. Oh Alexander, there are so many things you left for us to work out!

Nine months without you

Dear Alexander,

another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola