Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Another crisis
I know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
14 months
Dear Alexander,
another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola
another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola
Monday, June 28, 2010
Weddings or unexpected (and unwanted) memories
As I have said some time before, I thought that I was more or less able to control my grief. Well, it is also still unpredictable in many ways. On the one side memories or certain occasions will trigger an outburst of grief, which can take various forms, on the other side I notice now how my body is physically affected. Pretty amazing how my body reacted in a way I would have least predicted and thereby took some of my attention back. With my denial, which seemed so important when I was doing research, I only caused my grief to go elsewhere. I hope these problems will subside now that I am back home where I hopefully will have some more time for myself. Funny, how the body takes its toll.
On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him.
Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?
On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him.
Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
More thoughts
Honestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
One year and one month
Dear Alexander,
Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day.
I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts.
I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother.
Carola
Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day.
I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts.
I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother.
Carola
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
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