It has been a while since I posted last. The holiday has been demanding. Even though the first week was very relaxing the last weeks were pretty stressful. Not only did we have another celebration of our marriage planned but there was also a big part of my family visiting my new family overseas. So there was lots of planning and organizing to do, wishes to fulfill and the constant attempt to make everyone (of a group of about 30 people) happy. Obviously, it did not work at all times. But the fact that there were people who were disappointed or sad because something did not work out the way they thought it should have bothered me tremendously. In addition to me grieving for Alexander I had to be a tour guide and helper in all situations. But sometimes I just felt low and needed time for myself. Not being able to have that was hard.
There were other moments, however, that were at the same time incredibly beautiful and sad. When we were out camping in the middle of nowhere and could see the stars above us, wake up to the most amazing scenery in the morning, it was hard to just enjoy this without being sad. I was sad that Alexander chose never to see this beauty and peacefulness. He decided to miss so many wonders this earth holds for you! This is something that is very hard for me to understand.
There were moments where I missed him so very much. When I felt so low and was disappointed in many of my family I know there is a slight chance that if he had been there and in a good mood that he would have come up to me and told me “just laugh about it, it’s ridiculous anyway” and I would have believed him. He had this way of making you laugh about things that were so serious for you and so important. But he could make you think they were nothing or just funny. I do not have anyone else in my big family who can do quite the same. I miss that so very much. I miss hearing him laugh, hearing his thoughts. And even though I miss that so much I still have a hard time imagining that he is really gone forever.
I noticed now, being back and giving myself more time than I could the last few weeks how my distinct memories of Alexander fade away. This is something very hard to acknowledge since I always believed this could never happen, I could never forget anything related to my brother. Now here I am, a little bit over four months since he decided to go and I notice that I cannot imagine the way he smelled anymore. I am most certain that I would immediately recognize it if I were to smell it again, but I cannot just recall the memory of it like I could before. Even his smile and his body structure from the way I could feel it when I hugged him is not as crystal clear as it was in the first few months. I am scared that I will loose more memories.
Why did he not call me when he needed help? Why did he not reach out to someone who could have helped him? Why did he not bother to say goodbye? Did he think nobody loved him? Where is he now? Can he hear me? My heart cries for him every day, every second. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought possible. And I am scared that I might loose someone else, most of all my husband. I cannot see myself living if he were not by my side. I pray that we can grow old together, and I pray that Alexander is safe and happy somewhere. I hope though that he can also see what he did to us, that he knows what we are going through, that my mum grieves so much that she cannot think about her other children nearly as much as she thinks about him. I am angry with Alexander for shifting the attention that my two youngest sisters deserve on their last year at home away from them even after his death. My parents are not the same anymore and my sisters feel it the most. Can he see that? Does he have to pay for what he did to us? I wish him peace with all my heart but would be so angry if only he could have it while all the rest of us are struggling and suffering. Does that make me mean and egoistic to think that? I hope not because I still care about him so much, love him so much. Yet I feel that I am exactly that, and I still can’t help but think this way.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Four months
Dear Alexander
Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!
Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Travelling
We are getting ready to leave for visiting family over the ocean. We have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. It will be very nice especially since my family is going to see where Luke’s family comes from for the first time. And yet it is so difficult for me to leave our little apartment here. Somehow I feel safe here, if something happens I could be anywhere in a short time. I am so scared of leaving this safety behind. Somehow it relates to Alexander, too. Obviously it is not really logical but when is grief logical.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.
Friday, August 14, 2009
My brother Alexander
Alexander was a difficult person. He was so egocentric, stubborn and sometimes downright mean. I have told you more about that in my last post. But Alexander was also an incredibly caring and loving brother. I know that he loved all of his siblings and was proud of us. He had the greatest smile I know and could look at you in a way that you simply had to love him. Not many people can capture you with one look, he certainly could – if he wanted to. He could be really funny and amuse you so much. But I think one of the things I love most about him is his way to be with you. Whenever he talks with you he is there 150% and it seems to you being with him that he is solely with you that moment. It is the same way when he hugs you and smiles looking at you. I would give so much to see that one more time.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.
Dreams and thoughts
I don’t dream much of Alexander. If I dream there are more somehow scary dreams that are not directly related to him. I wish I could see him in my dreams and ask him the questions that I have for him. But it is not happening. However my brother, Alexander’s twin brother, dreamt of him. In his dream Alexander sat on a chair, leaning back casually how he used to do it and said “well, guess it just is how it is now. Can’t change anything anymore. Gotta go with it.” This dream and what he said has been following me the last few days. This is probably partly because it is so much like Alexander. It sounds so exactly like something he might say if you asked him today. But I feel like I want more from him. I want to know whether he is sorry or not, would he do something different if he could choose again? Is he sorry for the pain he caused us? Or is he really still so narcissistic that he does not see what he does to his loved ones? I wish I could get an answer.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Three months
Dear Alexander,
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.
I miss you, little brother.
Carola
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New problems
With all those problems that have been unfolded in the aftermath of Alexander’s death I always made myself believe that this would not happen to me again, never again. I would hopefully see the signs early on and act in a better way. I would be able to help the person who might not even see he needs help.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.
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