Abroad

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. In a way, I guess, this is a good sign since it must mean I am going on with my life. Well, to say the least, a lot has happened these last few weeks and certainly also many good things, some of which prevented me from posting anything here, too. We had my parents-in-law over for a visit, moved to a different apartment within the same city just a couple of days after they left and then I moved on to a different country for research purposes. So here I am now, all alone without my dear husband or very many friends (although there are a few very good ones here too). I guess I fell into some sort of minor depression when I arrived here. Reasons could be that I moved right back into winter, although the weather is getting better now, I am alone and bad as well as really good memories. Good memories since I used to live here, had the most wonderful time of my life here, including meeting my husband, bad memories include my very first encounter with suicide. A very dear friend attempted suicide while I was living here. He survived – miraculously – unharmed, and by unharmed I also mean that it turned out to be a impulsive action, not caused by severe depression. To be honest, I did not understand the full meaning of it all back then. How could I? I don’t blame anyone for not understanding the full extend of what a suicide does to the dear ones who has is not living through it. Therefore, wile it did not interrupt my lifestyle altogether too much it did impact my feelings going back now. I am not always sure of how this dear friend is doing although my general feeling is a good one. But if I learned something it is that you can never tell for sure. I am praying that it will be an alright time here and praying that time here will pass quickly.
And then there is the weight I am carrying with me about all the anniversaries coming up. While I am looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, mainly because Luke will come to visit, I am also dreading it since it is a reminder of what happened two weeks later a year ago. One year ago!!
I truly hope that I can settle in here quickly now, work efficiently on my research and come home quickly. And that the anniversaries will not be too tough.

Travelling

We are getting ready to leave for visiting family over the ocean. We have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. It will be very nice especially since my family is going to see where Luke’s family comes from for the first time. And yet it is so difficult for me to leave our little apartment here. Somehow I feel safe here, if something happens I could be anywhere in a short time. I am so scared of leaving this safety behind. Somehow it relates to Alexander, too. Obviously it is not really logical but when is grief logical.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.