Loosing ground

In the time after Alexander's death my family moved a lot closer together. This is true for us brothers and sisters, us and our parents, but also my aunts and uncles with their families. I have a pretty big family but most of them live around the town where my parents live. Still, before Alexander decided to leave us we did not meet all that often or even really talked. Of course we had big family celebrations together like my wedding with everybody coming but we still did not always take the time to simply meet over coffee. Now we meet more often, talk more, and they were even nice enough to bring over food in the first few weeks. My aunts still call my mum on most days to ask her how she is feeling. It is wonderful to know that there is family that tries to help us on this rough path.
One of my aunts is one of my godmothers and has always tried to be there for me. After we went back to our own home she wrote repeatedly a card or a letter to let me know she is thinking of me or to cheer me up. Now I received a parcel from her a few days ago. I thought how nice, I imagined a book about bereavement or something like that and opened it. I quickly found out that it was meant for my birthday. I just started crying, loosing ground, feeling so alone in this world. Luke was at work and I had my paper to write. So I had to deal with this alone. I had not expected to receive anything for my birthday yet. In fact I had not even thought of my birthday. I am not in the mood of celebrating anything. Even when I was a little kid I got scared of my own birthdays. I did not like being the special person for the day. Well, it was different for my wedding but to this day I am not a big fan of my birthdays. And certainly not this year. How can I skip this day? I just want to hide away from the world, be alone, all alone. And then this hurts, too. I do not know myself anymore. How could this happen? How can I stop feeling so out of touch with myself?