Losing my brother

Two years

2011-05-03T01:55:00.000-06:00

Dear Alexander,

It is crazy. Had you asked me two years ago I would have said I cannot see this day coming, ever. You left us exactly two years ago, two full years! Two years! So much has happened since then, so much that you did not get to experience, share with us, live with us. And again I am spending this day without family around. Luke is working today and be with me only in the evening. I guess that is fine. Now I just have to find some way to pass this day without falling to pieces. It might work well too since I know I have to be somewhat responsible for this little being inside me. And yet, the last few days have been hard. The anticipation of the birth and the grief for you came together as one big hormonal bundle that is impossible to separate. All I know is that more than once I was an emotional wreck in the last few weeks. Did you ever think about the consequences when you were contemplating to leave us or did you only think about your own pain? I wish I would know. I know you thought about leaving often and for many months so I wonder whether you also considered the results of you leaving for all of us. Yet another question that will remain unanswered.
Today I am sad, mainly so incredibly sad that you are not with us anymore. I miss you so much, so much more than words can ever say. It was so nice to see you in a dream the other night. I don’t remember every detail, unfortunately, but I do remember hugging you and telling you how much I miss you. You replied that you miss me too. It was so comforting to hear that, you have no idea. I think it was the first time that I got some kind of answer from you, the first time where the situation in which I saw you was real life related and not just completely random and unrealistic. Thank you for having done that.
I hope that you are doing better and are so very happy wherever you are today. I hope you have found your peace, I wish you that with every ounce of my body. Yes, I am still angry that you left us – how could I not be? I miss you way to much to not be angry. But since you decided to do this two years ago and I have no ways of undoing your actions I hope you at least found what you were looking for, peace. I hope you are with a forgiving god and hold your own loving hand over all of us, especially on this day where our hearts are all aching from the pain of missing you.
I will love and miss you forever, until I see you again.

Your sister Carola

23 months

2011-04-12T01:18:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander,

It has been a while again. It is just that I stay busy. However, this does not mean that I think any less about you. Oh my, sometimes I even wish I could just think more about what is going on day to day rather than dwell upon what could have been or would have been. But life is busy around here, so it is harder to take the time to write to you. I guess it is another sign that I am slowly moving on despite the fact that it is extremely hard. And now it is less than a month and you will have been gone for two full years. This upcoming anniversary feels very different to the one last year when I was alone abroad and all the pain came back so intensely again. This year, your anniversary is also marked with the expected arrival of your first niece or nephew, my first child. My due date is one day after your anniversary. I guess it is safe to say that that has me feeling a bit weird at times. How crazy is that! Obviously there are a lot of things one could interpret here but I am not going to go into that. I guess, it is simply meant to be that way and the little one will choose whenever he or she wants to meet us. However, this end of my pregnancy is also a happy occasion that I am looking forward to so your anniversary definitely lost some of its horrifying and scary attributes. I am loving the fact that I can see spring come and not only be sad about it. But I still wish so badly that you would be here to hold our baby, make your stupid jokes about whatever, laugh with us, argue with us and scare us when you would do (and I know you would have done) stupid, dangerous things with the little one. I am so sad that this little person will never get to meet his uncle. I know what he or she is missing but how will he?
Alexander, I still miss you every single day. Do you know all that you did to us? Do you know not just that but how gravely you endangered the marriage of our parents? Do you know just how much positive energy and happiness you took away from mom? Do you know how much we all miss you? Do you know that while you were right when you wrote ‘life will go on’ it is yet such a different life, one that none of us wanted or wants to live? I hope with all my heart and soul that you found peace but I also hope that wherever you are some part of you is trying to help us a little bit managing our lives without you. If you can hear me, make sure to give our parents some positive energy.
Alexander, I am really anxious when thinking about this next month. I wish I had you to talk about it on the phone or while you would come to visit. Now, I can just tell you here a little bit about how I am feeling. I am thinking about you a whole lot, missing you even more and loving you like crazy, little big brother.

Love forever,
Carola

Birthday / 21 months

2011-02-08T08:08:00.002-07:00

Dear Alexander,

It is hard to believe but you have been gone long enough now that you would be 25 years old now. Now your twin brother is 25 without you. He misses you. I miss you, too.
The last few days leading up to your birthday were hard. It is funny since I don’t acknowledge that to myself but realize it more afterwards when rethinking some of my reactions throughout the day. How much harder must it be for Walter! I just get angry at nothing and frustrated with myself as well as having the hardest time concentrating. All things I have gotten to know as parts of this journey towards learning how to live without you.
Your birthday itself was not too hard since we were alone in our city not celebrating with Walter. I am once more now on my way to get some work abroad done so I did not feel like travelling the day before that. So the two of us simply stayed home, drove around the city for some window-shopping while getting annoyed at each other for not giving the right kind of directions/going the wrong way. The evening was nice when we could watch a movie together except for the part where there was a suicide in it. I hate the fact that there are so many movies out there that are hard for me to watch!! I wish they would rate them accordingly or something, mention the fact that suicides will be in it. I know that that is a completely irrational wish but it would be nice to at least prepare for it. Where did you leave us, Alexander? Sometimes I feel as if I am thrown back to the time right after you left us struggling to even be on my feet and get up in the morning. I miss you so much, fighting the realization that you will truly not come back each and every day.
I wrote your brother a letter with lots of good wishes for his next, new year here on this earth. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have written you a similar one. Instead, this one is more about me than it is about you. All I have left to wish for you is that you found the peace that you were looking for. I am hoping that that is the case so much every day while I struggle to live here without you. I struggle every moment I am on this earth missing you.
I love you and wish I could hug you once again.

Yours, Carola

20 months without you

2011-01-04T15:56:00.002-07:00

Dear Alexander,

I am sorry for having missed writing to you last month. It has been a crazy one. I was so busy with work, finishing up abroad, visiting friends and preparing for another month away from home. This time it is not for work though, we were just spending the holidays with family again as we did last year. In the midst of all this I also tried to prepare for the upcoming Christmas season buying/making gifts and baking cookies. However, all those things keeping me busy did not keep me from thinking about you. To the contrary, you have been on my thoughts a lot. It was strange to prepare for this holiday season realizing that this was already the second Christmas without you. So hard to believe! It is still so unfathomable that you will never come back to celebrate that day with us.
Although I thought about you a lot my thoughts were not always full of grief. Often I wondered why this holiday season did go so much better than the last. Obviously it was the first year without you last year but it still did not explain why I felt so much less grief stricken this time around. Have I really learned so much about dealing with my grief this past year? It certainly does not feel like it on a day to day basis but maybe I simply forgot how awful it was just one year ago. All those questions were answered in a rather shocking way on Christmas Eve. I know now that I still have a hard time with you being gone. I know that I still don’t know how to properly deal with all my grief for you. I know that it still hits me in the face when I least expect it. I also know that I learned how to keep my feelings inside me, even hidden from myself, when something inside me knows that I cannot deal with the enormity of my grief at a certain point in time. That is what happened in the pre-Christmas season. My feelings were hidden from myself, only to completely blow me over on Christmas Eve.
So all of this is to tell you, my dear brother: I still miss you like crazy. Your death is still so unbelievable, so unfathomable. I am still not at a point where I really know my grief or at least how to deal with it, although I am getting better at developing survival strategies. So, I still have more or less the same questions I had a year ago. Why, oh why did you have to leave me, our family, this world? Was it really all that bad? Did you not feel how much you are loved? What could I have done to help you?
I truly hope that you are feeling better. I know I have said this before, too. But I don’t get an answer from you, and it is just so important for me that there is at least some good out of the bad. So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that you are alright now wherever you are.

I love you and I miss you.

Forever, your sister Carola

One and a half years

2010-11-19T13:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Alexander,

This month it is one and a half years ago that you left us. I did not forget that day even though I only write to you right now. In fact, I have been thinking much more and more intensely about you the last few weeks than I have in a while. I wrote this letter so often in my head. But to be honest, I also evaded this. It makes it so real that you left. Of course, reality strikes me every time I see a picture of you on my computer screen, or think of you, talk about you with mum or grandma. And yet, writing to you makes it more real than ever. I cannot, still not, understand why you did this. That you really did this. That you really left us. It sucks being alone. Living without you. I miss you.
I noticed that over the last few weeks I have gotten a lot more used to thinking about my siblings without you. This does not mean that I start forgetting you, by no means. It just means that I do not anymore think about adding you to the address line in an email every time I write to all of my siblings. Frankly, this scares me and makes me sad, so incredibly sad.
One year and a half. What a long time. I would have never thought that I could do this and feel like I do today. I miss you, every day, I am sad every single day, I am angry at you for leaving us every day. And yet, I have found a way to live again as well. I learned and still learn to live with the whole you left and the wounds you cut in my soul. One and a half years later I recognize that despite all my fears those wounds are starting to heal. They will leave big scars, I am not fooling myself. These scars will hurt all my life, sometimes more, sometimes less. I wish there were no wounds, no scars but you in my life. I miss you so much. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss you love, I miss your smile, I miss our conversations, I even miss our fights.
Oh Alexander, I am still angry with you for leaving us. But by now, I think, if I am being really honest with myself, I am way more sad that you left us. I am so incredibly sad. Tears are streaming down my face while I am writing this. I know why I could not write you before – I can only bear it when I am ready for it. It hurts so much. It hurts so much to let the pain come straight to my heart all over again.
I hope you are doing better than me. I hope you are happy, laughing, at peace with yourself. It is my constant wish for you to have reached this happiness. I hope that there is some good, something positive in this enormous hole among all the pain and emptiness that you left.
I miss you. I love you, forever.
Your sister.

Abroad again

2010-10-28T05:02:00.001-06:00

This is now my second time abroad this year, again for studying reasons. Again I am gone for almost three months. Again it feels awful. And yet it is different.
This spring was horrible partly because of the season, the first anniversary, the loneliness. While I am still lonely here I also have not that far to go home and actually do so every weekend. Or we meet elsewhere, like this weekend. Going on a weekend city trip is also quite nice, nothing to be laughed at, right? And yet, the days and times I am here in this admittedly beautiful city I only feel like bawling my eyes out. Well, sometimes it is better. But trust me, it gets back to being horrible, guaranteed. Not that I want it. I fight it. At least I try, but usually I fail. The only thing I can really do is wait until the phase is over. So why is all of this?
My rational mind tells me it can certainly not be all Alexander’s fault. He left us 1 and ½ years ago, it cannot affect me as much by now, right? Well, I think partly. I think what stuck with me is the fear of being alone, having to deal with myself and all of my feelings by myself. I am in the incredibly lucky position of having the best husband I could wish for and he is there for me, always, even if only on the phone. Yet this phone thing is just not the same. Call me spoiled, but it is not. I miss him, his advice, his strength, his believe in me. So what I am left with after Alexander left us is a profound fear of being alone. This does not mean I cannot be alone for a few hours a day in fact I need that. Yet knowing that there will be no one all day, for several days to hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be alright sucks and leaves me empty and fearful.
And there is another side to it too. I am scared to leave my family behind. Now, this does not really make sense since I am not much further away than usually, but since I am all alone here it still gives me that impression. It is difficult for them to get a hold of me, which in turn makes me feel like I am even farther away. I was there when Alexander left us. Again, my rationale is telling me that it does not make sense. Me being away does not mean something bad is going to happen. And yet, there is this feeling inside me, deeply rooted.
Thankfully my crying makes me tired so I sleep a lot. And sleeping helps passing the time. So I am almost halfway done with my time here. By far the best thing about it is that I will not have to do another semi-long stay abroad in the foreseeable future. I am praying that the remaining time will go fast and without too much bad feelings.

17 months

2010-10-08T03:32:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander,

Another month passed without you. Some months just seem to fly by, this one was certainly one of this kind. There is so much you are missing out on, so much that I would love to tell you. The in my mind most exciting news first: You are going to be an uncle! I am sure you would have been such a loving and caring uncle, and I am so very very sad you will not be there to see your first niece/nephew. We all miss you so much.
Sophie is getting excited and would love to share her plans with you. I know you would be so very proud of her and what she is doing! Dorothée on the other hand would probably really appreciate your advice. She is so lost with what to do with her life, having such a hard time deciding and knowing what is best for her. Of course me and the other siblings are there for her but still it is your piece of advice that is missing. With your particular view of the world, of options that are out there you would have simply added another point of view. I know she misses to hear that.
How do you feel about missing so much of our lives? Do you even notice? Are you happy? It is so amazing, I thought maybe I would at some point just be fine not getting an answer to those questions, but if that point ever comes it most certainly is not here quite yet. Are you still glad you did what you did? To yourself, to us? Was it worth it?
With life being that busy I had a bit less time to ponder about those questions but they are there with me every day, every hour. Sometimes they don’t reach the surface but that does not mean that they are not there. I hope you know, feel that you are being missed. So tremendously, so enormously. Every single day, every single hour, every single minute.
And you are being loved, forever.
Yours, Carola

16 Months

2010-09-09T11:46:00.000-06:00

Dear Alexander,

You have been gone from us for 16 whole months now, more than I could ever imagine living without you. I miss you so so much, every single day. We had visitors from overseas here for the last few days and I realized as I had to be a host and there all the time that I am truly broken. There is that part of me inside that will just never be the same again. I am starting to find some sort of glue to put in this enormous hole you left but it is not a very good one. Sometimes I feel it stays up for a while and I think in due time I am able to fill the hole completely. Then again, the glue seems to crumble and crack and I am left feeling broken. Although I know deep down that you could not come to me when you were feeling so down it because you simply were way too far down in this deep depression it is so hard for me to understand that at all times. Do you realize all that you miss here? Our little sisters are growing up and do not have you at their side to be a big brother. Sure, they have two more, but not you. And you were special, as are they. But no one can be replaced.
Last night I had a horrible dream that made me realize just how engraved the enormity of the loss of you is in my brain. I dreamt that I called Sophie and she said in a low voice that Walter was gone. In my dream, they did not know whether it was suicide or not. But do you know how I woke up weeping? I did not know where to let myself. I do never, ever want to re-live this and yet I am scared that I have to every day and – apparently – even at night. Did you know these all would be consequences of your actions? I do not think so, you could not look any further than your own pain. So here I am again, feeling so sorry for you and so helpless for not having been able to do something for you, to take your pain away. I guess, my mind is still running in circles, still hitting the same kind of waves even though the shape of them is different than it was 16 months ago. I do realize now that this will most likely be a part of me for the rest of my life, obviously to a yet different degree. I miss you more than words could ever say. And I hope you are feeling alright now. There has to be some good in all this.
I love you forever,

Your big sis Carola

Dear Alexander

2010-08-25T12:20:00.000-06:00

I miss you. So so much.

Another crisis

2010-08-24T02:09:00.000-06:00

I know. I missed writing Alexander on the 3rd. However, there is a reason for it. I just could not take it. I started living again, as I have said before. I felt I need to focus on my life right now to be able to start living. Well, it somewhat worked, again.
Now over the last few days I really miss him again. I so miss his voice, his smile, his hugs, his laughter, his love! And then there is sooo much anger coming up now, too. Our parents are facing one of the – as far as I can tell – most serious crises in their marriage. While it is not ONLY connected to Alexander’s death it most certainly has a big part in it. Both are trying hard in comprehending their son’s death and doing it very, very differently. Without getting into too much detail, I worry about them. I have faith and pray that they will make it through but it is not fun, not for me or anyone else involved. Thank goodness I can talk about it with my dear brother, Walter. My sisters and Magnus do not know about anything going on which is good. The less they have to worry about those things the better. I guess that is my big sister instinct speaking here;) But really, they have a hard enough time as is. How can they cope when we are all struggling? I know that they can take more than I think they can but I also don’t want them to worry without any reason. And I hope and pray that there is no reason for them to fully know what is going on right around now. The good side, at least they are talking to each other again. Not that they were never talking but now they are talking about expectations and feelings again. Let’s hope they keep that going…
Oh Alexander, why did you do this? To us? I miss you, every day, every hour and soo wish I could tell you how much you are loved and missed, by so many. I love you and miss you and hope that at least you are feeling better wherever you are. There has to be some good in this.

14 months

2010-07-08T02:52:00.002-06:00

Dear Alexander,

another month without you has come and gone. This time around I spent the third celebrating the wedding of my friend whom you also knew. Do you know she has a son of six months now? Another friend is married, too. Magnus found a girlfriend and split up with her again since you are gone. Our sister dates a guy I am not incredibly fond of but who knew you too. I think this is important for her. Our cousin is turning 16 this week and will finally get a hunting permit. Can you see how excited he is about that despite all that you made us associate with hunting? I received my first photo album of our wedding today. It is hard for me to believe that I have not had a single album so far. So many things happened without you, and yet you still influence so many things still. I am trying to let you go, give you the peace you need. Do you need it? I don’t have it. You left me with so many problems I did not have before. I am still really angry with you for that, I hope you can see that, too. Just don’t believe that life just goes on as if you had not been among us. You have been, you are in your own way and I truly hope that you always will be. I hope I will still be able to let you go. But I will never forget you nor will my life be as it was before. There are still so many awkward situations we encounter. A colleague asked me whether I had twin sisters. I would always have answered yes, and twin brothers. While this is still true, of course, there is also a certain something inside me that makes me hesitate. Since this took place in an email conversation I just ignored the question. But what do I do when I am asked a question like that in person? People who did not know you think about you! Walter tells me that he gets quite a few questions along the lines of ‘You have a twin brother? How awesome! What’s he doing?’ How is he supposed to answer to that? ‘Well, not all so awesome…’? Why did you do this to us? Am I selfish for asking this question? I guess my grief is changing again, I do see that this question might be selfish. You still hold so much power over me and all of us. We just miss you so much, think what your opinion on certain things would have been, wonder what you would say, think. Is there ever going to be a day when I can simply live my life again without being sad? Being sad and missing you? Do I even want that?
Of course, I am not depressed. I laugh, I party, I work, I enjoy nature or other small things. I am happy to be alive – most of the time. But I miss you. I miss you terribly. I never would have thought I would miss you soooo much. You are a brother that is gone! And my oldest brother, my partner in so many arguments, discussions that I cannot have anymore. I miss your opinions. I miss you telling me what I should do differently, disagreeing with me. Oh, how annoying you could be. I would be so incredibly mad at you. And still love you. And we would always forgive each other, in fact I believe now that our arguments made our relationship stronger. And our personalities needed them. Now I cannot have these any more and I miss it. It is as if something very important, an essential part of me has been ripped out. Strange that you would miss arguments all that much, right? I would never have believed it either. And yet, I miss them. And your point of view of things. Of course, I miss you most. I miss the way you looked. You were so handsome! I miss the way you smelled. I miss the way you smile, seeing your grin, hearing you laugh. And hearing you sing. Your voice was so beautiful. Do the angels now hear you sing sometimes? There is this song by Vince Vaughn (Go rest high on that mountain) and I am pretty sure you would not have liked it but there is this line that I completely agree with: ‘I wish I could see the angels’ faces, when they hear your sweet voice sing’.
Dear Alexander, this was a long letter again. I hope you find a way of hearing my words. I hope you can see, feel how much I miss you. There is this hole inside me that you left. You were are important to me, so important. You are my brother, my dear, dear brother whom I miss terribly, every day. And my dear, dear brother whom I love so much, forever.
May god hold you in the palm of his hand and give you the peace you were longing for.
Forever,
Carola

Weddings or unexpected (and unwanted) memories

2010-06-28T05:53:00.001-06:00

As I have said some time before, I thought that I was more or less able to control my grief. Well, it is also still unpredictable in many ways. On the one side memories or certain occasions will trigger an outburst of grief, which can take various forms, on the other side I notice now how my body is physically affected. Pretty amazing how my body reacted in a way I would have least predicted and thereby took some of my attention back. With my denial, which seemed so important when I was doing research, I only caused my grief to go elsewhere. I hope these problems will subside now that I am back home where I hopefully will have some more time for myself. Funny, how the body takes its toll.
On the other side are memories. We went to the wedding of a dear friend last weekend. When her siblings performed a small piece in their honor I could barely stand it. I actually had to leave the room to catch some breath. While I was watching them standing on the stage the picture merged with my siblings performing for us. ALL of my siblings. And then grief just hits ground. It will never, NEVER be like this again. I will never get to perform with him for one of my other siblings when they get married. I will never again hear him sing. Or speak. Or laugh, or just see him.
Maybe this wedding that took place literally a day after I got back home was meant as something to point me towards giving myself more time, more than I thought I needed at this point. Some say that the second year is the hardest. I thought that I could control it now, that I managed to find a way to deal with the grief. And yet again I am realizing that there is no such thing as a clear road through this enormous grief. Why did you do this to me, to us, Alexander?

More thoughts

2010-06-15T00:28:00.000-06:00

Honestly, I don’t know where this blog is leading me. I do realize that I am not posting very much lately. There is a reason for this though. I try to live. I simply try to live, occupy every single minute of my day in a halfway successful attempt to stop these reoccurring thoughts from appearing again and again. This keeps me from thinking my own thoughts. I still think of Alexander, of course. My sister visited me last week in this country and we went for a hike by the sea. It was not the best day for a hike, in fact, we returned in a heavy drenching rain only to realize we had to wait to be picked up for another three hours and there was no café or the like to be found in that remote place. Anyway, especially in moments like these, plus when there is a close relative of mine, we talk about Alexander, remember and miss him together. It is hard to do since our initial goal was to merely enjoy the beauty of nature - which is even or especially visible when overcast. However, I also do realize the gift I have. It is not self-evident to have a family that is able to talk about how Alexander’s death has affected us. I am lucky to have the possibility of sharing my thoughts and feelings whenever I feel the need to do so. On the other hand, it gives me comfort to be there for them whenever they need me. I am thankful for having a great family.
But I am rambling. As you notice, whenever I give myself the time to think, to remember, to feel the pain it comes pouring out. For most of the day, however, I press it inside. And it works for me. Right now. So I am unable to say where this is all leading me. But I guess this is the story of grief.

One year and one month

2010-06-05T08:21:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander,

Hard to believe. Sometimes I think of you and think it is not true. I miss you, still and every day.
I know, you want me to bring some order in my random thoughts that are just spilling out of me. Well, there is this one sentence in your suicide notes: Life will go on. Yes, it does go on. So much has happened since you left us. I can laugh again, I am working like crazy, I can concentrate again, we managed to get through another spring, there are new partners of our siblings in the family, others left, family gatherings took place, we are all still living. You were right, life does go on. But how? I don’t think you fully grasped just how much would change for all of us. How could you, I don’t even blame you that much for it anymore. You were in such a deep hole that it must have been impossible for you to see. This is the only way for me to understand that you chose the path you did. So while life goes on, it goes on without you. And you are (yes, ARE) an important part of this family. So while I am working without major concentration problems I still catch myself drifting off thinking of you and where you might be. And while I laugh I sometimes think how at one point I could not imagine ever being able to laugh again. When I look at the flowers blooming and plant my little garden I think whether you would also think that I am crazy about it like the other siblings do. I know you are different, and maybe you would understand why I had to get five tomato plants for the tiny space I have available. Heck, maybe I would not even have felt the desperate need to get an outdoors space like I did. Some force within myself was driving me to the outdoors ever since you left. Maybe I needed to see that life does indeed go on, new plants/life grows. And of course, every time we celebrate something as a family there is a gigantic hole in the middle where you would be, with your smile, your laughter, your teasing comments, your love. So all I can tell you today, one year, one month and two days since you left us, is that I miss you. You are being loved, will always be loved. And missed. And while we love and miss you all of us are trying to live our lives with you in our hearts.
I love you my dear, dear, wonderful brother.

Carola

A rainbow on Sunday evening

2010-05-04T01:18:00.003-06:00

One year

2010-05-04T01:17:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander,

now it is one year without you, one entire year. How can this be possible? How could it go so fast? How come that we are still moving along? Why did you have to leave us? Why now? Why you?
There are still so many, oh so many questions unanswered. I miss you every single day and think of you. I never cried too much but I still do off and on and very often there is simply this gigantic lump inside me that is all the pain I carry for you not being with us anymore.
These last few days were hard and yet again I simply kept busy and that seems to be the best cure. Not that I forget you then – I think you sometimes thought that when you were here with us, that if we don’t call you or let you know we are thinking about you we are not but oh we were so very often! No, I don’t forget you, you are always with me. But you are deeper inside me and not obstructing my way anymore, at least not quite as often as the pain for losing you used to. My grief changed in this past year. I notice it is not as raw and fresh anymore. But you are being missed. I miss your charm, your wit, your laugh and the sound of your beautiful voice, whether speaking or singing. I miss the way you would look at me and the way we argued – but then forgave each other again, too.
I believe strongly that you sent me a sign from wherever you are now on Sunday evening which for me was exactly a year ago, even if the date on the calendar said something different. You sent me a rainbow. Luke tried to capture it on a photo but unfortunately it does not look quite as strikingly beautiful there as it did in reality. Still, I will post it here. And it was like a message from you that you are still with us, still thinking of us too. I will be angry at you forever that you chose to leave us, will forever miss you, and forever love you, my dear, dear brother.

Carola

Anxiety

2010-04-29T03:18:00.002-06:00

I have had a (for our standards) really big fight with Luke because he was unable to read my mind. Yes, you read that correctly. Without further ado, I feel myself sliding into a pattern I thought I had learned how to live without. It is the pattern of my life shortly after Alexander died a year ago. I cannot see the words I am typing here because I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I thought that this past year I have learned how to live with this pain, with this anger at myself and at Alexander. But it seems like I can never really learn how to do this. I know I have written this before, stating how I hoped to know only to find out I did not. Why is my mind playing this trick on me time and time again? Why can I not simply learn that I will not ever learn completely how to live with this pain? I guess it is hope for an ultimately better tomorrow that leads me into this conception. But in moments like these, when realization hits, it hurts so much more. I just want him back! Why, oh why? Why do I have to live with this?
Maybe this trick my mind plays on me is a simply a switch to survival mode. It worked really well for the last few weeks. I have worked more than I can remember almost ever having worked, being efficient at it no less and even slightly satisfied with the results (this is hard for me). And now this. I felt it coming the last few days, and here it is now, breaking my world apart, my working routine, all that I held onto to keep me going. Everything else I need to do seems so insignificant compared to this enormous elephant in my room, the fact that Alexander, my dear dear brother, is no longer on this earth with me. And why, oh why did he choose to leave me and all of us? He just, simply, chose it!!!! I feel all the different stages of grief hitting me as I know them, the devastation, pain, grief, numbness, anger - it is all back. I cannot believe I lived with all of this for almost an entire year.

More thoughts

2010-04-28T01:27:00.001-06:00

Writing this blog entry earlier this evening has somehow pulled me out of my little bubble of thinking that this upcoming anniversary does not get to me. It does. I can hardly stop thinking about what has happened a year ago, this entire past year and earlier. So many ifs and whens all over the place again. I wish I had done this or that, listened more carefully, read a bit more, been there more for him. How could he not see a way out? There are so many wonderful things happening in this world, especially in this wonderful, powerful, life-affirming season of spring. And yet it has this very sad ring to it permanently attached for me. How could he not have seen all the flowers starting to bloom? He actually told our grandma a week (!!) before he died when she pointed out how wonderful the world looked that he could not see any of it. How can you miss that? How could we miss those so heart-wrenchingly obvious signs of deep depression? Why did I not gain more strength so that could have helped him more? Why did I concentrate more on my own life than his when he was so deeply struggling to fight death? How can I ever forgive myself not paying more attention, not helping more, not being there more for him? All the while I still see his own shortcomings too, he could have sought more help from professionals, fought more, not given in. Then again, am I simply trying to shift the blame away from me onto him so that my own guilt might not overwhelm me?

Upcoming anniversary

2010-04-27T12:39:00.000-06:00

Last year this time I was still exhilarated by all that had happened the last few weeks – so many people who had wished us well at the beginning of our life together as husband and wife. And yet I was worried about my brother Alexander at the same time. We had just received all the pictures from the photographer and I had quickly noticed that Alexander was not on too many of them. This seemed strange as the photographer had been told to try and capture especially the close family. He had managed to do this very well with the exception of Alexander. What I should later learn was the last time I ever spoke with my brother also left me a bit uneasy. He was obviously somehow in a depressed state of mind although I would at the time have hardly used the word depression. It left a big enough impression though that I went to my family’s health insurance and picked up a booklet about depression. There was a questionnaire to see how you are doing, I filled it out how I thought Alexander might feel and I got the result of him being likely bipolar, definitely heavily depressed. This worried me but I did not know how to help him, how to do anything for him. In fact, I hate to admit it, I wanted to call him this entire week – a year ago – because of a necklace that I thought I might have forgotten in his room at my parents’ house. I procrastinated on that call until it was too late. I simply was scared of hearing another round of complaints about what I had done wrong or only how bad he was feeling and how horrible the world was. This is very hard to admit right now that I did not do what I can now never undo. I was not there for him when he needed me.
With the anniversary coming up I have to face another question this year. I will be flying home to my husband for a short time so that I do not have to be alone on May 3. My family has decided to hold a small service in Alexander’s memory. Aunts, uncles, grandmothers and cousins will all be there, not to speak of my direct family. Me and Luke are the only ones who will likely miss it. It would add another eight hours to my already long trip over an extended weekend. Should I go nonetheless? Am I only doing what I want and disregard what might be good for the others? Do they need me there? I am seriously torn, yet again, a full year later.

Concerns about a friend

2010-04-18T07:11:00.001-06:00

Today is our first wedding anniversary. I understand that this is slightly off topic but I still had to mention it. It is a very depressing day since I am spending it all by myself here abroad with the volcano ash cloud over Europe preventing Luke from coming to see me. Oh well, it gives me time to write. My only fear is that if this damn cloud continues to hang in there it might prevent me from traveling to see my family for Alexander’s anniversary in two weeks. Let’s pray it does not since I cannot imagine spending that day all by myself. Oh, I don’t dare to think about this prospect too much.
Something else has occupied my thoughts these last few days as well though. A very dear friend of mine told me on Thursday that she is having relationship issues. Without getting into detail, she is torn between two guys. Well, that would not trouble me too much as such. But this would be all too simple for her, too. She feels really attracted to one of them, him being her ex-boyfriend whom she was together with for lets say two years. He broke up with her last summer, it took her a long time to get over him but she managed. Now they are talking again and she is again seriously interested, him as well. So where is the problem? He treated her pretty badly during their relationship, which I mean in an emotional kind of way. I do believe he is bipolar. She feels she cannot trust him, cannot be sure he will be there for her when she needs him. She told me that over several phone calls they have had in the past few weeks he apologized for bad emotional abuses, arguments where he did do something wrong. This is new since he always claimed to have forgotten everything about the entire argument before. The reason for me getting so detailed on this here is that it reminds me so much of arguments with Alexander. It was so hard for me to make him see how deeply he had hurt me or someone else, and then, half a year later, seemingly out of the blue, he might apologize for that very event. There were many more similarities between the two guys. Honestly, I am scared for my friend. The most – from her point of view – touching thing he said is ‘What is the point of living if I know that I cannot change?’ For very obvious reasons a statement like that has all sorts of alarm bells ringing inside me. Plus, from a negative point of view, I do think that only with an enormous amount of luck you can really cure bipolar depression, not to say that I don’t think that you can completely. So I am worried about her. While I can say that for him it would be great to have her by his side, I hope that she will choose a life where she can rely on her partner more. Obviously, I am getting into advisory terrain here that I do not really like and I would never tell her my opinion as I have written it here. But these are my – in this respect very damaged and biased – thoughts. Try to stay away from this illness, if you have the option.

11 Months without Alexander

2010-04-10T14:38:00.000-06:00

Dear Alexander,

for the first time since you left us I did not notice the monthly recurrence. I guess I was just simply too busy trying to fix up our new apartment a bit. How strange that I did not notice! I am very sorry about that. While I guess I did move on with my life into new realms I have not forgotten you, however. Actually, on the 3rd it came back very clearly to me how I felt that day last May. Mum called and told me about the daughter of friends who had committed suicide just a few days before then. She told me what had happened, the big question of why and how the family did ask our parents for help since they were “already over it”. Oh, what a misconception. It might seem so from the outside sometimes, I/we might not think of the 3rd as that most awful day in the month vividly every single month, but, Alexander, your death is still with us every single day. You are missed so very, very much every day, your death remains a big mystery to us with many questions left unanswered. You told us in your letter that life would go on. It certainly does but on a very different track than it would have. Sometimes I wonder whether a god of some sort foresees all of this or whether life is a mere combination of particles moving in different and unpredictable directions. Can we choose our own fate or is it all in the hands of a big power somewhere above us? Did you choose to die, I mean fully, rationally or was it in some way or other imposed on you? I would love to talk about this, about fate with you. You were always so into those philosophical discussions and while you nerve racked me way too often I also thoroughly enjoyed our discussions – I only hoped that I would have been better at articulating my thoughts. You were so much quicker there!
This month now brings me a lot of work and many new impressions in this new country. I guess in a way this is very good since it keeps my thoughts off the anniversaries that are about to come. I notice that in every free minute I have I try to occupy myself with something, I just try vigorously to keep my mind engaged. It works for most of the time. So, I guess I am getting on with my life. But I want you to know that I am still suffering, missing you, thinking of you every single day, and will love you forever.
Your big sis Carola

Abroad

2010-04-10T05:51:00.000-06:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. In a way, I guess, this is a good sign since it must mean I am going on with my life. Well, to say the least, a lot has happened these last few weeks and certainly also many good things, some of which prevented me from posting anything here, too. We had my parents-in-law over for a visit, moved to a different apartment within the same city just a couple of days after they left and then I moved on to a different country for research purposes. So here I am now, all alone without my dear husband or very many friends (although there are a few very good ones here too). I guess I fell into some sort of minor depression when I arrived here. Reasons could be that I moved right back into winter, although the weather is getting better now, I am alone and bad as well as really good memories. Good memories since I used to live here, had the most wonderful time of my life here, including meeting my husband, bad memories include my very first encounter with suicide. A very dear friend attempted suicide while I was living here. He survived – miraculously – unharmed, and by unharmed I also mean that it turned out to be a impulsive action, not caused by severe depression. To be honest, I did not understand the full meaning of it all back then. How could I? I don’t blame anyone for not understanding the full extend of what a suicide does to the dear ones who has is not living through it. Therefore, wile it did not interrupt my lifestyle altogether too much it did impact my feelings going back now. I am not always sure of how this dear friend is doing although my general feeling is a good one. But if I learned something it is that you can never tell for sure. I am praying that it will be an alright time here and praying that time here will pass quickly.
And then there is the weight I am carrying with me about all the anniversaries coming up. While I am looking forward to our first wedding anniversary, mainly because Luke will come to visit, I am also dreading it since it is a reminder of what happened two weeks later a year ago. One year ago!!
I truly hope that I can settle in here quickly now, work efficiently on my research and come home quickly. And that the anniversaries will not be too tough.

Photo

2010-03-19T11:53:00.002-06:00

I just added this photo of Alexander on the right. I still did not put up any picture of him our place and feel somehow strangely bad about it. But I still have a hard time looking at his image. On the other hand (this is again a very two-sided feeling I have like so many concerning Alexander and his death) I want to honor him and show everyone that I do not forget him. Anyway, I thought it might be a nice idea for me to slowly get used to his image to post some photos of him here. If I manage to do what I am planning I will change the photo every so often.

Some random thoughts

2010-03-19T11:43:00.000-06:00

I ended up not going to the funeral. Again, just like with another death in the family of friends international travel prevented it. This time we had family from overseas come see us and since Luke is on a business trip one of us had to welcome them. I am not sure whether to be relieved or not but I guess it is more the former. This has something to do with the weather today: it is a beautiful spring day with a warm sun shining – just like it was on May 8 last year. I cannot believe it is almost a year ago that all this happened. How terribly long! And how terribly short… To imagine a life without Alexander is so hard to do. Very often I still feel like I cannot really understand what has happened. Still I feel like in a bad dream and wish to wake up. There are moments when I can see things very clearly, too. I guess in a way I just don’t want this to be real and my life so I try unconsciously to prevent myself from seeing this reality clearly. Am I the only one doing that? Is this normal? Then again I learned that nothing is normal when you are going through this kind of grief. Still I wish that there would be some path that I could hold on to, that would tell me where this path will lead me in the future. I wish so badly for all of us, my entire family, to be really happy again. Like really happy. I think I will have to wait for that some more unfortunately.

Problems again

2010-03-12T07:15:00.001-07:00

It feels as if something or someone does not want us i.e. my family to calm down. Last week Magnus’s friend mentioned his serious suicidal thoughts in front of him. The discussion ended with the friend being transported to a psychiatric clinic by the police on my brother’s call. My parents had to come see him in his apartment to calm him down again. I was worried about my little brother having that much responsibility but also so proud of him for having done that. How could we, any of us, ever live without doing something again? Anyone mentioning such thoughts to us must be aware of that.
Last weekend we went skiing, which was good to just get me to think about something else. The worry over my brother and a general incredible sadness had taken hold of me for most of the last week. Being out in the mountains with some friends helped to get a free head again. I felt ready for another week when my dad called me Monday around noon to tell me that one of Magnus’s friends had called him (my dad) to warn him that Magnus was in what looked like a heavy depression-wave. Apparently he spent days in bed crying, skipping school, and not getting anything done. It turned out that those things happened but quite a while back and he seems to be doing relatively fine. However, it scared me deeply. I am about to go abroad again, starting in April for a research project, and I worry so much about my little brother. It seems to be a repetition of the time I went to the same country a few years ago when he had some serious problems, too. Back then I did not see quite how serious they were. What, if I am underestimating them yet again? These thoughts seem to haunt me. How can I be sure nothing will happen this time? Somewhere deep down I do trust Magnus that he will be fine but then again I have been wrong before. I would have, no I have sworn that Alexander would be fine yet he did the most awful thing he could have done and took his life. Oh, if I would only know better what to do this time and would know that what I am doing if fine.
Last night I got the text message of an old high school friend of mine whom we were planning to meet over the weekend saying that her dad had just died. Her dad! Another shock, he was a really kind guy whom I had met on several occasions when we were over at her house during school time. What would I do if my dad died now? I am praying that nothing like that will happen to us in the near future. I don’t think we could take it.
Now I will have to attend the first funeral since Alexander’s next week. I am shivering when I think of it. Hopefully it will not remind me of my dear brother's funeral too much.
I am praying this is the last bit of bad news before I have to go. I am scared to be all alone over there for a couple of months and it certainly does not help to know that my family is not doing completely fine. I just love them all so much that I cannot stop myself thinking and worrying about them even though I know that I have to give myself time to grief, time to heal and time to work on my own projects. Easier said than done.

Ten Months

2010-03-04T03:48:00.001-07:00

Dear Alexander,

another month. Winter slowly makes room for spring, the sun is brighter and everyone seems relieved that the snow seems to start melting. I am happy about that too, that’s true. But it also breaks my heart since it means that it is getting closer to May and you being gone for an entire year. It seems like so much has happened, so much did happen and is still happening that you cannot see. I miss you so much. We found a new apartment and should be very happy. Well, we are happy but somewhere inside me there is also this sad thought that we are leaving the apartment that you did see. We are moving on with our lives without you being part of it. This thought is painful and it is so even more when you notice it is actually happening. I wish I could show you where we are moving. I think you would like it.

The last few weeks were difficult for me with spring coming that is true. But I also noticed something else that sort of explains why I miss you so much. I noticed that we were in a way always couples among us siblings. Sophie and Dorothee of course as the youngest, Magnus and Walter in a way since they were the more quiet ones although that bond was looser than with the girls. Then there was you and me, the more stubborn, strong-minded and dominant ones – at least within the family. You were never shy to tell me your opinion, even though I often thought I could have done well without it. You were getting on my nerves so often when you questioned my authority as the oldest or tried to take my position. Even though we argued and discussed a lot we were a good team. We pulled each other back when needed or pushed together in one direction and were hard to stop in those moments. Alexander, I miss that so much. I lost you as my partner among us siblings. I don’t like the feeling of not being challenged at least not in the (admittedly often annoying) way you did it. I valued your opinion even when it was tough to take sometimes.

Do you miss us, too? Do you miss our discussions, too? Do you miss me? Are you alone or do you feel happy with whoever is around you? I wish you so much happiness, my dear brother. If this life here on earth was so difficult for you I hope that you have it easier now, easier than we have it here without you. You know, so often I can just be here and even be happy again although I try not to really see it in the moment since I would feel guilty then. I know the thought is stupid but I feel like I am betraying you and I did that once before when you really needed me. I cannot betray you again. And yet those happy moments sneak in unnoticed by me for a few seconds and when I realize it they were there already. But then there is the opposite, too. Like last night, I just could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, felt so incredibly sad deep within but could not let it out, had no way of crying. It was just bad enough to keep me awake, horrible. And those moments are there, too, and I miss you then so badly. I miss you and my previous life. I am so angry with you that you destroyed it. But most of all I miss you. I miss you so much and love you.

Your loving sister Carola

Birthday again

2010-02-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write Alexander a letter for his birthday but then it was all so busy and alive that I did not find the time for it. Yes, the birthday of Alexander and Walter was lively, we were celebrating Walter’s life. What an amazing thing.
For most of the day I was busy making a nice cake for Walter so I had some time to think but not to write. And it was mainly positive thoughts or life connected thoughts, not too much thinking about the past. However, in the morning I did what I had planned to do, I bought a small bouquet for Alexander and put it on his grave together with mum. It was a good time and good to do it together since it allowed us to talk about him, to share our feelings and to just give him some time that day. Shortly after that I headed out to my grandma’s so it was not too long, just the right time. I miss him so much, it is still so unbelievable that he is gone. And yet it was good to be celebrating Walter and his life. We had the birthday dinner at my aunt’s house which was nice since it was just a different setting and not so many memories connected with earlier birthdays. We had a nice evening together and it was fine. My thoughts were especially with my mum who is still having a very hard time while I can see light at the horizon. That does not mean it is easy for me but I still feel that right around now I can see that I might be able to get my life together again. However, when I see my mum I know that she is not nearly anywhere close to where I am. I am worried about her. I hope one day she can be where I am now.

Birthday anniversary

2010-02-04T04:23:00.000-07:00

While I slowly and with backlashes feel like I am regaining control over my life there is another worry I have now. My dear brother, twin brother to Alexander, is having a rough time right now. He split up with his girlfriend of three years only a few days ago and is additionally worn out by the amount of work he is doing. Additional the weight of his and Alexander’s upcoming birthday wears on him. While I wish I could take some of the burden off him I also know that he has to live through it himself. All I can do is believe in him (and I know he can do it) and pray for him that he will get better soon. After several weeks in agony he finally decided what he wants to do on Friday. I hope it will be fine for him. No way is it going to be good but if he can at least make it through the day. Oh Alexander, there are so many things you left for us to work out!

Nine months without you

2010-02-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Alexander,

another month without you is gone. This leaves us without you for already nine months! It is hard right now, I still have to go out today and look for a birthday present for our brother Walter. I would be looking for something for you, too although it was always hard to find something that you would be truly happy with. It is still so unreal that you decided you wanted to stay 23 years forever. This last month went so fast for me, there was lots of work to be done. And yet it has been harder for me to concentrate again. Honestly, I don’t know whether this time this is related to you or not. But I still think about you every day, I miss you every day. While for the first time since your death I have to acknowledge that life truly does go on like you said in your note that you left for us I still don’t like life without you. There is this part of me missing. I miss my dear brother, yes, I miss you, Alexander! You are loved beyond your death, much more than I think you ever understood while you were alive. I hope you can still feel my love wherever you are. Life continues, there are so many things that happened without you. Your birthday is the next milestone that we need to master. The thought is so surreal that you will not turn 24. I can still remember what I did at that age and there was so much fun in that year, so many amazing experiences. Why did you think yours were not worth living for? While life does move on my questions for you are still pretty much the same ones I think. I still cannot understand your reasons for giving up. And I still feel so guilty for having left you alone and not having understood the urgency of your pain and agony. Last week I called your mobile, that is your number of course. I hung up in panic before the message of unknown number could come up. It was a mistake but still something that made me realize that I am still very far away from truly understanding what has happened.
Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Do you still think of us? Do you watch over us? Do you miss us? And, most of all, are you happy now? Do you feel no more pain? Or is it still there?
If you are watching over us you know it all anyway, but I still want to let you know that Sophie has a boyfriend now. And Walter split up with his girlfriend. I think both those developments are related to your death. Sophie really needed someone to hold her and be there for her always, more than we could do that for her. Now she found someone and I hope that he will not exploit her since she is so fragile inside right now. And Walter, in my opinion, broke up because he could not deal with the amount of stress that was on him right now. And his girlfriend had a very hard time indeed with your death, Alexander. Would you ever have imagined that your very personal decision to die would have so very far reaching consequences? It is still true that suicide does not solve the problems but puts them on the shoulders of others. We feel that weight.
But I don’t want to end blaming you today. I blame you so much but I also wanted to express my wish for you that you are free of pain wherever you are.
I miss you and love you.
Forever.
Carola

Skiing - end of the holidays

2010-01-27T08:33:00.002-07:00

My life has been very busy these past few weeks. But let me start from a few weeks ago. At the end of our Christmas break stood a ski trip with some good friends. Luke had been looking forward to this trip very much while my feelings were more differentiated. After the holidays had been painful and hard but also encouraging for our way through our grief I was still emotionally exhausted. How would I do on a trip with friends where it would be hard to be by myself? It turned out that the skiing, the nature gave me the freedom of nature, the feeling that I could be and move anywhere. When I was going through the trees all by myself (it did work out) I felt like I was in a higher realm of things. While getting physically exhausted I also felt the Befriedigung of doing something for me. There was a sense of exhilaration in the air, I felt more daring than I had ever done. This is something that Iris Bolton, author of the book I quoted a weeks ago, calls a “gift” from the person who left us. I feel like I need to live intensely, breathe life in as much as possible and try to make the most out of every given moment. Often, I fail. However, skiing there on this deserted mountain gave me the feeling like I was being myself again. What a rare feeling.

Outside

2010-01-21T07:16:00.001-07:00

Many things happened with me since my brother died. I know I changed. But there is something that is so pressing on me on most days. It is hard to find the right words to explain it. I always liked being outside and in the country. However, now I feel like it is a force inside me driving me outside. Never before did I feel so easily trapped in the city. And yet that is where I live and where I spend most of my time. Since I am working from home I have nowhere to look, no balcony or anything and it drives me nuts. I wanted to move very shortly after Alexander died already for exactly those reasons, I believe I have said so on here before, too. Every time I see nature I just about freak out. My outlet today was looking for a new apartment since I am trapped in this city for at least two more years. And it looks as if there is the possiblity of one a bit further outside, a bit bigger, with a balcony and cheaper than the one we are in right now! I am hoping so much that it is what it promises to be and we could get it. Being closer to nature somehow calms me down so much and I feel as if I am still somehow connected to Alexander. I feel so alone and desperate here for most of my days.
I am so overloaded with work right now that I should not even have written this little bit but I felt as if I needed to share this and it just helps so much to be talking about it.

Mood Swings

2010-01-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am still reading all I can find about suicide survivors, their stories and professional help books. In one of them I found the following of which I think helps my husband to deal with me a little easier:

“A persistent component of the process of recovery seems to be the mood swings which persist through the weeks and months of mourning like an endless ride on a rollercoaster. One soars to a euphoric peak on a Sunday and then, within the week, dives into a hellish abyss. […]” (Iris Bolton: My Son… My Son… A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide)

This seems to be a very precise description of how I feel so often. Just wanted to share that, maybe it helps someone else to realize that they are not crazy all of a sudden, either.

Eight months without you

2010-01-06T12:21:00.001-07:00

Dear Alexander,

it has been eight months since you chose to leave us. I am still having a very hard time trying to understand your decision. I miss you every day, think of you every day and wish I could do something to have you back. I play the scenes of us talking about your problem over and over, trying to see where I went wrong, where I should have done something different to prevent your decision. And then I try to understand that after all it was still your decision. But oh, it is so difficult. I try to accept that you saw no future for yourself but it is so hard to believe. Sometimes I even don’t see how I can get over this pain myself. Do you see how much we are struggling? Do you have bad days in heaven because you worry about us who are struggling with your decision?
Last month was the first holiday season without you. Especially the time right before was difficult, all of us were so caught up in our own feelings and fears. It turned out that we can still work pretty well together and we had a relatively peaceful Christmas, if one can say that. But we missed you. I miss your smile, your laugh, you teasing me, the way you would hug me and smile at me. Oh Alexander, I cannot imagine never seeing all this again. Why, oh why? How could you not see a light at the end of the tunnel? You could have made it, if anyone, then you. It is so hard, so impossible for me to understand that you had no way of seeing beyond your pain anymore. You did not seem to be so much under pain. It is so hard to believe that you just did an amazing job of covering up how bad you really felt inside. I know that you tried to tell us but we did not listen well enough. I am sorry that I was unable to read the signs, that I was not educated enough to help you. I wish I could turn back time.
My dear brother, it is so strange without you, so much has changed these past eight months. Can you see how much father has changed? I believe that he turned into a person you would have loved to have as a father. Do you see how much mother suffers? Do you feel guilty for that? Do you see how she does not have time for our little sisters, time that she would have had otherwise? Do you see how they are both struggling with school and their immense grief for you? Do you try to help them? I feel like I need to help them all and it is overwhelming. I am so tired of doing it all in addition to my work which is enough anyway. And yet I can’t stop because I am so scared, so incredibly scared that I miss the signs of someone else suffering, someone else needing my help and I am not there in the right moment. But I am so tired, so exhausted. I miss you so much. I always knew you were still there to help our sisters with whatever problems they had when I did not find the time or was busy or whatever. Now there are still the two other brothers but it is not the same. I wish you would answer me some time and give some answers to my many questions. But even more than that I want to see you happy again, laughing, joking and with all that love in your eyes. There are no words to describe how much I miss you.
I love you, little big brother.
Forever, Carola

New Years Eve

2009-12-31T19:20:00.001-07:00

This year is coming to a close and it is so strange. At some points I thought I would never get through this year. It has changed me more profoundly than I would have ever imagined a single year could change me.
My aunt called me today and we chatted for a while. She then went on to wish me a good new year and I agreed, saying that I hoped the new year would be a much better one than the last. She answered that the last one was not all bad and that we learned so much about us and other people than we would have ever imagined possible. I agree but I still think that the last year was not a good one. There were good moments, for sure. But a good year? Never, not the last one. It made me angry that she could not see my point but felt like she had to lecture me to see the good sides in Alexander’s death. I don’t think that I am someone who does not see that something did come out of his death, there is some kind of legacy that he passed on. That is true. But knowing this does not make the last year a good one. I am disappointed that she could not simply join me in grief. At least we connected in the hope for a better new year.
I really hope that this next year will be better. I wish I could say it could not be worse but this last year also taught me that it always can be. Life cannot be planned. So I am hoping and praying.

First Christmas without Alexander

2009-12-31T18:54:00.001-07:00

I was very anxious about Christmas, as was everyone in my family. I have rarely felt that much tension among us and yet not directed against anyone. And then it still turned out to be halfway nice if I can say that.
Luke and I came to my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We had planned to attend church that afternoon at 4.30 pm, so there was a little chatting before we had to get changed and ready for the service. My sister Sophie was sick so she stayed home for the service. All of us were waiting in the hallway for Dorothée to get ready. Finally I went upstairs to find her in tears saying that she did not want to come along. She had had a fight with Sophie again and was scared of everyone at church seeing that she had cried. Thankfully I could convince her to come along but it was so awful to feel this tension between all of us! This little problem made us late for church; we entered just on time into a completely packed church, only standing room left. It was a nice service, the priest mentioned the grieving and sad people around this supposedly joyful time, too, which really helped all of us, especially my mum. We sang a lot during the service, something we had always done at home. When Silent Night was sung it gave me a weird feeling since I never really liked that song but Alexander really loved it. After the service we picked Sophie up and went to the cemetery. It was dark but there were so many candles light on the graves in the snow that it had a very peaceful atmosphere around it. Some people had put up little Christmas trees on their graves and on almost every single on of them were candles lit. My mum had a branch of our Christmas tree cut of with a few ornaments on and a candle that we put on Alexander’s and my grandpa’s grave. It was the first time that all of us were together at the grave again since the funeral. There were very sad moments but it was also very comforting to have the support of the family. We are really trying hard to be there for each other. After a prayer we headed home again, hoping, that we could leave some of the anxiety and tension at the gravesite.
I had been talking with my therapist that it might be helpful for me and my family if I took some of the cooking over around the holidays. My mum usually does the cooking but does not enjoy it all too much. I love to cook but not at home where I don’t feel like I can control the process. Now the plan was that I just preplanned everything and then both my mum and me would be more relaxed knowing that the cooking would be taken care of. It really worked, and on Christmas eve me and my siblings all worked together to get some sauces fixed for the fondue meal we had planned. It turned out to be a nice, peaceful and, as Sophie or Dorothée put it, very grown up meal. First we went into the living room where they had the Christmas tree and heard the Christmas story read by my dad, sung a song and then went over to have the meal. After eating for a couple of hours we thought it would be nice to open some presents, which we did in a relaxed way. Instead of two people opening all their gifts at the same time we took turns after one gift this time. Everything was a bit different but it still felt alright since there was no pressure to do something the ‘right’ way. Around midnight we then settled with a glass of wine around the table, reliving the night and relaxing some more. I think all of us found this Christmas to be in the end almost more peaceful and harmonic than the previous one (Alexander had caused a very tense atmosphere then).
Even though this was a bit longer I felt like I needed to share this, also to remind me of it in the future.

Only a few more days till christmas

2009-12-21T13:49:00.000-07:00

Almost Christmas. This December was different for me. Normally, I plan at least some of my gifts fairly early but still have most not ready in the beginning of December. This year I was in denial that Christmas was anywhere near since the stores brought up their Christmas decoration, so since September. Then in December I had a hard time denying it any further. So I somehow thought now it is just around the corner. Beginning or end of December, it was all the same. And so I rushed through my list of presents to buy, hurried to have enough Christmas treats and had too much alcohol in general (I think it was a doomed to fail attempt to forget that it was really the season…). Anyway, now it is here. I am almost completely done with my presents, the two persons I have left (my dad and an aunt) will get done today, latest tomorrow. The last few days before Christmas eve I will be baking cookies, a tradition that I did not want to continue this year but then I could not pass this once a year opportunity to smother everyone, whether they want it or not, in my cookies. And as written previously cooking or even more so baking calms me down, is almost a yoga-type state for me. This especially sets in when I do the decorations of the single cookies. They have to be perfect and it just absorbs me so much that I forget the world around me completely.
So, what does this all have to do with Alexander? Not much, I guess. Just this feeling of uneasiness around Christmas is new. I loved the season, I loved our traditions or even experiencing something new with Luke’s family when we were over there. But now I look forward to being with the family but dread it at the same time. So many things will be different this year, in a way more the way that Alexander always wanted them to be. Normally there is much focus Christmas eve on the feeling of being together and the presents. Coming from such a big family I guess it sort of just happens that the presents get that focus since it simply takes time until all of them are unwrapped. Alexander always wanted us to remember the true reason for celebrating Christmas, the birth of Jesus. I never really noticed this focus on presents until this years so I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I simply loved my childhood Christmases. Now this year we are planning to have a long dinner (fondue) and then will only unwrap one present each, the rest will be opened Christmas day.
Why am I so uneasy with this thought? Why am I having the same concentration problems I got so used to but thought was halfway done with? Why am I not looking forward to being with my family? I think it is something that we will especially notice how much he is missing. And it will be a tiny bit more real than it was before. I dread these moments of realizing the magnitude of Alexander’s decision. I am scared of arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings among us. We will still be eight people together, all of us mourning for the same person and yet all of us individually. Misunderstandings are so very likely. I feel responsible for making sure that this will not happen and get scared since I am not confident in my ability to stop every single argument. I hope Alexander will somehow be with us and help all of us to get through those tough days without being angry at each other.

Disappointments

2009-12-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Why does it hurt so much? Every day again? Why, oh why?
After quite a few days at the very least of some deep down sadness I could finally give it some room today. I found some hours of relative peace listening to my sad music and reading in a book for people who lost a sibling or parents who lost a child. It really gave me some peace and content within myself since I just gave my grief some room today. My problem? I have not had many hours with my husband lately since he is working so much. Today he is again coming home late, but considerably earlier than all the rest of the week. I promised to make a nice dinner which I had done all those nights before, too, but he did come late and so I had to eat alone. Now today I forgot time while reading my book. Luke still tried his best (as every day) to come home early, just called me to let me know he is coming and I suddenly remember dinner. And then he tells me over the phone with a disappointed voice „and I thought my wife was making dinner for me...“!
This happens so often that I leave something when I give the grief for Alexander some room. Something else, naturally, does not get done. And then I feel so guilty for not getting it done that it ruins all the positive feeling I had after finally giving all my feelings their space. Is there any way out without disappointing someone in the process? I hate this feeling!!!

Over seven months now

2009-12-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Alexander,

it has been a while since I wrote you. I miss you every day and keep on thinking about you. Yesterday I thought about your illness again. I am certain that you could have continued to live if you only wanted. I believe that you would have been strong enough to succeed in your fight against your bipolar depression. This, however, just makes me more mad that you decided not to try and fight seriously. But I am getting closer to accepting your decision, it just makes me incredibly sad that you decided to leave us. We all miss you so much.
Now all of us are planning Christmas very anxiously. We are all anticipating a very difficult time, especially since mum is so very weak still. Do you see her? She lost so much weight, is still eating almost nothing and just so incredibly thin. I wish there was a way to give her a bit more strength, she needs it. So Christmas. I am one of the ones who want to change everything since I think it won’t be the same any more anyway. But I guess our little sisters still love Christmas the way it always was. It is difficult to find a consensus between all of us. And this is not an argument over presents or anything you would be pleased. I remember how you always wanted us to look at the true meaning of Christmas, I believe, because you did not believe in it yourself and just wanted to so badly. Well, it is not about Christmas now, it is all about trying to get passed this holiday. It will be so sad not to have your beautiful voice among us. I wonder whether we will even sing or not.
Some days are still so very hard for me. Will it ever get better? Do you see us and help us? I wish I would ever get some answers from you, see you in my dreams or hear something someway from you. I miss you.

Yours, Carola

An important message

2009-12-09T05:15:00.003-07:00

I have been in an online support group for siblings for a while now. Through the group I received this message from Father Rubey who runs a LOSS program in Chicago. I wanted to share it with you since I think it has some important thoughts in it that help me through this holiday season. It was sent on Thanksgiving but obviously is true much longer.

November 2009

I recently made a trip to Ireland to visit family. While I was there a very tragic event made the news. It was about the tragic deaths of two young men. Both were twenty-two years of age. One of them suffered from mental illness and went off his medications. He was stalking his ex-girlfriend who was dating the other young man. The young man who suffered from mental illness stabbed the other young man and killed him. The one suffering from mental illness then stabbed himself to death. He injured the young woman during the fracas. The mother of the young man who was stabbed to death gave a eulogy at her son’s funeral. She said some very powerful things that resonated with me. She said “And now I ask what is my God of small things saying to me about this incomprehensible act which took place in our home last Sunday morning. This tragic event caused mayhem in all of our lives and robbed us of a son and a brother. We live in a world of contrasts – big, small, hard, soft, good, bad, dark and light. One cannot paint a picture without at least two shades. It is the dark which gives definition to the light. Darkness is just the lack of light. On that Sunday morning my God of small things said to me that one boy represented the light and the other boy represented the darkness through no fault of his own. Both played out their parts in the unfolding of God’s plan. As a result of this our family is faced with a choice. We can continue to live in darkness seeing only fear, anger,bitterness, resentment, blaming, blaming, blaming or are we ready to transmute this negativity? We can rise to the challenge with unconditional love knowing that we were born to this earth to grow. Our hearts are broken but maybe our hearts needed to be broken so that we could expand and grow.”

I thought of our LOSS family as I read this news account. Survivors’ hearts are broken as they mourn the tragic loss of a loved one from suicide. Survivors are met with a very big challenge as they grieve the loss of a loved from suicide. Survivors need to feel the tremendous pain resulting from the death of a loved from suicide. This is all part of the grief journey and it is very painful. But as this woman said, maybe hearts need to be broken in order to grow. Grow into what? That is the challenge of any survivor. Now that this tragedy has become part of the life of a survivor what is the survivor going to do with it? There can be a life of negativity and darkness or there can be a life of light and positive thinking. This takes time to develop into something positive but the question that each survivor must ask themselves is: What am I going to do with this tragic event? Hopefully, survivors are going to allow themselves to be transformed into positive thinking individuals who see rays of hope and growth in the tragic events of life.

We hear a lot about evolution these days. Our world is evolving constantly in different directions. We are also evolving and are part of an ongoing creative part of our world. We co-create with a higher power that some of us call God. We become participants in the process of life and we assist in developing the world around us. All around us we see growth and so must we grow from all of our life’s experiences –both the good and the bad, the pleasant and the unpleasant. Our world is not fixed. It is constantly changing and evolving. The challenge for all of us is to see events in our lives not as obstacles or barriers but as opportunities for human growth and evolution into richer and more caring human beings. That is not always an easy task. It is very demanding and sometimes it is a very painful experience. Survivors can bemoan the fact that pain has entered their lives. There is no rhyme or reason why the suicide of a loved one enters someone’s life. Survivors try to figure out why this happened to them. That is a very normal question to ask. It has happened and now what will a survivor do with this awful experience? That is the crucial question and one that survivors need to ask themselves. Will this experience be the cause of destruction or will it be the cause of human growth and evolution into a more positive and caring person and one who will see this experience as an opportunity to become a better person. That is the challenge.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving this year, hopefully we can experience things to be thankful for. Survivors will always miss that loved one who found life too painful but there are other people who are a part of the lives of survivors. They are gifts to a broken heart. They are rays of hope to the crestfallen. They are reasons to be thankful on this day and this time of the year. Survivors can concentrate on what is missing or they can concentrate on what is present. The evolving person can be richer and more appreciative of what one has in life. The evolving person has survived a great challenge, That is reason to be thankful.

Survivors long for the life that they had before the suicide. They want to hark back to what once was and never will be again. The challenge is to embrace the evolving person and to embrace the situations in life that can be the cause of a new and enriched person. Life is a continuing process of evolution and survivors can either get lost in the process or be a part of this evolution. My prayer is that you are part of the latter.

As I gather on Thanksgiving Day I want to assure each and every member of the LOSS family of my thoughts and prayers for you because I am very grateful to be a part of this family. I am enriched and better because I have journeyed this path with many of you. Thanks for allowing me this unique opportunity. I encourage you to remember each other in thought and prayer –especially on thanksgiving Day and especially for those who have recently joined our family.

Keep On Keepin' On.
Father Rubey

Missing

2009-12-05T13:31:00.002-07:00

The last few days have been hard again. There was pressure from my work, I had to give a presentation and felt like I was not well enough prepared for it. Somehow I got it done but it took a few days to come down again. And then all there was left was this incredible sadness. I had not experienced it with this much force in a while but then yesterday all there was left was tears. I miss him so much. And especially this holiday season it is hard. Everyone expects you to be happy. But I am scared of this Christmas. I just don't know how it will be and I am scared to face my always, visibly sad mum. Oh Alexander, did you know what you were doing?

Some Childhood Memories

2009-11-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I am doing something entirely different it still comes back. All of a sudden I have to think about Alexander, it comes just like a wave that hits me once I am off guard. What a strange thing is death. What comes afterwards? Are we transcending into a different form of being? Will me meet again? Oh if I only had an answer. But then again, maybe I would not want to hear it either.
I miss my brother. Alexander was a very interesting brother, the one I have had most difficulties with of all my brothers. He was very strong-minded, very intelligent and incredibly charming, good-looking and gifted in many ways. In the last few years the strong-mindedness turned more and more into a very aggressive behavior that was hard to take and deal with for my entire family. But this was not always like that.
I remember having the greatest time with him when we were little. We could play for hours and hours, Playmobil, Lego, races with Matchbox cars and building blocks, playing with dolls, performing plays that we wrote ourselves or fairy tales, we did it all. It was always us three oldest siblings, Alexander, Walter and me. Of course we also argued as all siblings do but I remember the good times better. We had a very happy and protected childhood. In the weekends we would go to our cabin in the mountains where we had running (cold) water but no electricity or heating. Our parents showed us how we could have the greatest time there with very primitive means. We build dams along creeks, showered under a waterfall, tried unsuccessfully to ride cows, went hiking and in the long summer evenings we played board games for what seemed forever. Alexander was very determined to win or be the best in all our little games and very often he also reached his goals. Obviously, this became a source of conflict between us, especially though between him and Walter who was much less successful. The nicest moments between us were when we were lying in bed in our cabin where we had to share one room with the next youngest, Magnus. We would whisper with each other for hours or try to listen to my parents talking in the room next door. There was so much trust between us, so much love for each other, so much innocence. It was the most wonderful time of my childhood up in this little cabin.

Six months

2009-11-12T13:04:00.001-07:00

My dear Alexander,

it is a little over six months now that you are gone. A long, long time, it seems, and very hard to comprehend. The shock and helplessness still are prevalent for most of the time. I still have difficulties concentrating which is really hindering my work. I miss you every day, I think of you every day. When you were alive I did not talk to you so often, sure. But I always knew you were there and we could catch up some time later. I knew I could get your opinion on things that were on my mind if I wanted to. Now all of that is impossible.
Last night I saw you in my dream. It was a dream of a family holiday like the one we had in August, without you. Only this time you were there. But you were not enjoying yourself, you were just complaining about the activities we did, how boring and superficial everything was and how you wanted more. We tried to explain that what we were experiencing was amazing and wonderful. You did not see that and created an awful atmosphere for everyone with your complaints. This situation could have very well been happening in August had you been still alive. I do not fool myself that you would have healed from you depression so quickly. But even though you ruined the atmosphere that was so wonderful before you started complaining I did not want to wake up from my dream. It was too happy to see you again after such a long time. And alive! You could have complained forever if I could only see you alive.
I miss you my dear brother. You are missed so much by all of us.
At the same time all of us are trying to put their lives together piece by piece. Once I get into a better working mode I think I cannot complain. I am trying to cope as well as I can. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes harder. Often still very, very hard. Especially with Christmas approaching. Oh, I miss you brother.
Yours, Carola

For Alexander

2009-10-22T10:32:00.000-06:00

My dear brother,

I am so sorry I never wrote you so many letters when you were alive. I know I failed there and there is no excuse for me not letting you feel how much I really love you. I hope you still knew it and can see me now desperately reaching out to you. I just miss you so terribly and my heart just breaks when I think that I will not ever see you again. It is so unfathomable. Is it really true or will I just wake up from this dream some day soon?
I am so sorry for so many things. I feel like I failed you in many ways and yet I also know that that is just the way I am and the way our relationship was. But I miss that relationship so much, I miss our conversations about stuff, important or unimportant, your crazy and sometimes sick thoughts. I wish I could have that conversation about suicide with you again. I would do so much different and answer differently. If I had ever really listened to you! I always accused you of being self-centered but I guess often I was the one who was. Maybe I also just wanted to not really think about what you were thinking and how much you were suffering. Maybe I was trying to protect myself from worrying to much about you. I am sorry about that and yet know it is to late to change anything anymore.
Alexander, I miss your laugh, the way that you laughed when you were just laughing about something, not at someone. I miss the look on your face when you were really happy. It becomes harder to imagine you being alive and yet I would hug you in an instant. Just come home, or come visit me. You know you are always welcome.
I miss you so much, my dear brother, it seems as if every day a little bit more. I hope you are doing fine.

With love,
your sister.

A song

2009-10-21T11:49:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I spent quite some time searching the internet again. I made a CD for my sister with songs that helped me through some tough moments and had some room left on it. So I searched again and found this one, Hate me by Blue October.
It says so much and has such wonderful lyrics. For me it seems as if Alexander was speaking to me, as if these could be his words if he had ever recovered from his illness. It really moves me, makes me cry and yet I can’t stop listening.

Here are the lyrics:

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

A Quote

2009-10-20T14:47:00.003-06:00

I found this quote today on the internet, unfortunately I don't remember the source anymore. If I still find it again I will add it. I just really thought this to be so true:

Suicide does not solve the problems, it just shifts them on the shoulders of others.

Update

2009-10-14T09:39:00.002-06:00

I have been so busy these last few weeks that I feel I had hardly any time to just let go and feel alright about it. There is still plenty of other stuff that I need to get done besides writing here but it feels as if something inside myself needs to get out. So here I am. The sun is shining, we have a beautiful autumn and yet I am so sad inside. For the first time since I can remember I am not thrilled about the beauty of nature at the moment. How strange and sad. Since my workload is quite high at the moment I am carrying my grief around everywhere. The only time I can truly relax is while cooking. This might seem strange to some but it is really true for me. It feels as if I am boiling, baking and frying my grief. I started doing this in summer when I had the urge to make jam and it continues to this date. It is not bad, it just takes a lot of time.
I have also had my - if I can say that at all = worst days ever. I could not stop crying, Luke had to come home in the middle of a workday. That was definitely a first. I learn to accept my feelings more, to accept that they are there for a reason, often protecting me where reason does not go. Where does this leave me? In as uncertain a spot as ever. I feel as if I have lost all control over myself. If my feelings decide to come out they do and I cannot stop them as often as I used to be able to. My therapist told me that this is alright, even desired. It still feels very strange and almost uncomfortable but I am trying to accept it. I feel the waves coming and going and thought I would know them by now. Albeit, every single one of them has it's own shape. It might be similar to one that I got through already but it is definitely shaped differently. I hope and pray I will get through this alright.

Rough days

2009-10-03T12:59:00.001-06:00

I have had a few very rough days lately. It seems to me as if I suddenly start realizing that my dear brother is actually, really forever gone. Even though I knew this before it seems to sink in a bit more although I still doubt it is actually getting through to me. I miss him so very much. And all the time I ask myself whether it will really get better or what is going to happen to me. I dont recognize myself anymore. Yesterday I completely broke down at work, I didn´t even make it home anymore. I had to call my husband to come pick me up. Never has anything like that happened before. What a strange experience to be so completely unable to control your feelings. I simply could not stop crying.
We learned a few days ago that Alexander´s ex who split up with him in December last year, so five months before he commited suicide, went with her mum to the police after his death and gave them a five page report of what apperently had led to his suicide. In this “report“ she said that Alexander killed himself because he was driven to this by my parents. Apparently my parents just never gave him the love that he really needed and he was so upset about this that he could not live anymore. They reported that he was definitely not ill. Furthermore they claimed that the fact that many people left the church during the funeral service was because of the sermon the people disagreed with. The priest talked about Alexander´s split personality in a very good and truthful way stating both the amazing and awful parts of his character during his illness. We heard from a few people that they did not find a seat in the overcrowded church and additionaly could not even understand what was being said because the speakers did not work in that area so they left the church and waited outside. It is so awful to be blamed for the death and even more to have that publicly stated. I do not know what those people are thinking. I mean, even if it were all true the way they think it is, who would do such a thing and want to blame the surviving family? Isn´t it awful enough what we are going through? We just lost a brother, a son!! I am sooo angry. I hope I will never see them again in my life. Unfortunately this is unlikely since they live clos to my parents´. Why would you ever want to do something like that?
But my sadness within myself does not come from this awful story. It is more something deep within. I feel trapped inside many buildings, only at home it is halfway alright. I have no idea how I can overcome that feeling. I would need to be somewhere alone in nature but unfortunately that is pretty difficult around here. I am so angry that he did not even feel like he needed to say good-bye. I miss him, too, so badly. But mainly I am trying to understand why he did not feel this need to live anymore, how he could not believe that his life could change and be a good one. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I just am soo deeply sad even when I do something completely different and even if I am laughing.
I just had to get that out there, I feel like I can not tell anyone else. I don´t want to burden my mum and my other siblings, they are so involved in what they are doing themselves. Plus what could they do? But it helps already to write it down and tell you. I know this is a lot and not very organized but it just wanted to get out.

Thoughts after a while

2009-09-16T09:11:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I posted last. The holiday has been demanding. Even though the first week was very relaxing the last weeks were pretty stressful. Not only did we have another celebration of our marriage planned but there was also a big part of my family visiting my new family overseas. So there was lots of planning and organizing to do, wishes to fulfill and the constant attempt to make everyone (of a group of about 30 people) happy. Obviously, it did not work at all times. But the fact that there were people who were disappointed or sad because something did not work out the way they thought it should have bothered me tremendously. In addition to me grieving for Alexander I had to be a tour guide and helper in all situations. But sometimes I just felt low and needed time for myself. Not being able to have that was hard.
There were other moments, however, that were at the same time incredibly beautiful and sad. When we were out camping in the middle of nowhere and could see the stars above us, wake up to the most amazing scenery in the morning, it was hard to just enjoy this without being sad. I was sad that Alexander chose never to see this beauty and peacefulness. He decided to miss so many wonders this earth holds for you! This is something that is very hard for me to understand.
There were moments where I missed him so very much. When I felt so low and was disappointed in many of my family I know there is a slight chance that if he had been there and in a good mood that he would have come up to me and told me “just laugh about it, it’s ridiculous anyway” and I would have believed him. He had this way of making you laugh about things that were so serious for you and so important. But he could make you think they were nothing or just funny. I do not have anyone else in my big family who can do quite the same. I miss that so very much. I miss hearing him laugh, hearing his thoughts. And even though I miss that so much I still have a hard time imagining that he is really gone forever.
I noticed now, being back and giving myself more time than I could the last few weeks how my distinct memories of Alexander fade away. This is something very hard to acknowledge since I always believed this could never happen, I could never forget anything related to my brother. Now here I am, a little bit over four months since he decided to go and I notice that I cannot imagine the way he smelled anymore. I am most certain that I would immediately recognize it if I were to smell it again, but I cannot just recall the memory of it like I could before. Even his smile and his body structure from the way I could feel it when I hugged him is not as crystal clear as it was in the first few months. I am scared that I will loose more memories.
Why did he not call me when he needed help? Why did he not reach out to someone who could have helped him? Why did he not bother to say goodbye? Did he think nobody loved him? Where is he now? Can he hear me? My heart cries for him every day, every second. I miss him so much, more than I ever thought possible. And I am scared that I might loose someone else, most of all my husband. I cannot see myself living if he were not by my side. I pray that we can grow old together, and I pray that Alexander is safe and happy somewhere. I hope though that he can also see what he did to us, that he knows what we are going through, that my mum grieves so much that she cannot think about her other children nearly as much as she thinks about him. I am angry with Alexander for shifting the attention that my two youngest sisters deserve on their last year at home away from them even after his death. My parents are not the same anymore and my sisters feel it the most. Can he see that? Does he have to pay for what he did to us? I wish him peace with all my heart but would be so angry if only he could have it while all the rest of us are struggling and suffering. Does that make me mean and egoistic to think that? I hope not because I still care about him so much, love him so much. Yet I feel that I am exactly that, and I still can’t help but think this way.

Four months

2009-09-04T12:32:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander

Today it is four months since you left us. It is still unbelievable and not fathomable that you left us forever. I have as hard of a time understanding it as on the first day.
Right now we are on the holiday that you were supposed to be on with us. We miss you every day, in fact, I notice that you are missing even more than at home. I don’t know whether you would be happy here or not, find our vacation exciting enough or not. But I know that we all do miss you and are so deeply sorry you decided to leave this world and all of us. Right now we are on our way to a big national park and are excited for hiking in the nature a bit. This sometimes makes me feel as if you were closer but also makes me aware of the decision you made. This is such a beautiful, great world with so many things to explore you really need a long life to feel you have seen a good portion of it. At least that is how I feel. So while creating this feeling of being closer to you it also makes me painfully aware that you must have been really ill to not want to see all of this world’s beauty. I wish you could tell me what made you make this decision. I still have all those questions I want to ask you. I have no idea how I will get through life having all of them unanswered. Can you hear me? Can you hear us crying for you? Do you see mum crying while all of us are laughing because she just sees you in the midst of us but you are still gone? Do you see how our life feels as if there is a big, gigantic dark cloud over it? Do you know that we don’t feel any wind that would help to blow it away? I miss you so much.
On Saturday we will have our wedding reception for the family over here. I know that my parents in law are really looking forward to it, but I wish it would not happen. I wish I would not have to go to it. I know I should start to live again and to celebrate again, too. But it is so hard when you are gone, Alexander! I miss you so much and, oh, if you were here, it would be all so happy! I would have asked you to sing for us again with your beautiful voice. Now we will have to sing ourselves without you as a supporting voice. How hard is this going to be. Will you be looking over us? Will you be, at least somehow, with us? I need to know that so that I can actually be there and not only in the past. Alexander, I love you and miss you so so much. I will never understand how you could do this, why you decided that life was not worth living for you. However, I hope and wish with all my heart that you found peace wherever you are. And I hope that you can look and see us crying for you so that you know at least now without your illness blocking your view how much we really love you. I hope you can somehow hear me crying out for you and wishing you well. I love you so much, my dear brother!

Travelling

2009-08-17T01:22:00.000-06:00

We are getting ready to leave for visiting family over the ocean. We have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. It will be very nice especially since my family is going to see where Luke’s family comes from for the first time. And yet it is so difficult for me to leave our little apartment here. Somehow I feel safe here, if something happens I could be anywhere in a short time. I am so scared of leaving this safety behind. Somehow it relates to Alexander, too. Obviously it is not really logical but when is grief logical.
I broke down while packing yesterday and a big chunk of tears is still sitting inside me waiting for me to let it out. I try to lock it up for a while because it hurts so much. And yet it is not better to lock it up since then you carry the sadness everywhere you go but don’t get better. But I am so scared, so scared of the pain it causes.

My brother Alexander

2009-08-14T03:18:00.001-06:00

Alexander was a difficult person. He was so egocentric, stubborn and sometimes downright mean. I have told you more about that in my last post. But Alexander was also an incredibly caring and loving brother. I know that he loved all of his siblings and was proud of us. He had the greatest smile I know and could look at you in a way that you simply had to love him. Not many people can capture you with one look, he certainly could – if he wanted to. He could be really funny and amuse you so much. But I think one of the things I love most about him is his way to be with you. Whenever he talks with you he is there 150% and it seems to you being with him that he is solely with you that moment. It is the same way when he hugs you and smiles looking at you. I would give so much to see that one more time.
Alexander was incredibly intelligent. He knew exactly when to say what to whom and how. With this knowledge he could make a person feel very special or hurt someone very deeply. It made it also exhausting to argue with him since his arguments were so good and seemingly logical it made it hard for you to counter. Of course you could often see where his logic was missing a point and he often took the right points but drawing the wrong conclusions. But how often did I not see those things while talking with him!
He could have done so much with all his gifts. His singing was very good but could have been excellent had he devoted a little more energy towards it. He was like that with very many gifts. Had he studied a bit more for his exams he would have been much more than a very good student. I never understood what kept him from just doing it, just sitting down and studying. I always hoped that one day he would fail completely and then see, see what he could do with a little more effort and see how he was hurting others with his actions. He did stumble, did fall but could not change. I learned now that part of it must have been his illness. I feel bad for not understanding that sooner. But even if you are ill there must be part of you somewhere still, right? And if there is why did you not just do it? My heart and my mind are two different worlds in understanding this. But I am really trying to understand that you often wanted to do it, get it done, change. And then your depression just did something inside you that I cannot understand or feel. I wish I had seen it earlier though, I might have been able to have you see someone professional earlier. My dear brother, I wish I could have helped you more.

Dreams and thoughts

2009-08-14T02:59:00.002-06:00

I don’t dream much of Alexander. If I dream there are more somehow scary dreams that are not directly related to him. I wish I could see him in my dreams and ask him the questions that I have for him. But it is not happening. However my brother, Alexander’s twin brother, dreamt of him. In his dream Alexander sat on a chair, leaning back casually how he used to do it and said “well, guess it just is how it is now. Can’t change anything anymore. Gotta go with it.” This dream and what he said has been following me the last few days. This is probably partly because it is so much like Alexander. It sounds so exactly like something he might say if you asked him today. But I feel like I want more from him. I want to know whether he is sorry or not, would he do something different if he could choose again? Is he sorry for the pain he caused us? Or is he really still so narcissistic that he does not see what he does to his loved ones? I wish I could get an answer.
Alexander was a difficult brother. There used to be a time when we were really close, when we were children. I loved him dearly, we did excursions, sometimes even only the two of us. I could not imagine going with anyone of the others but him. Obviously, being brother and sister, we still got caught in fights a lot too but they were never really serious. When we were teenagers we fought a lot more. I think that I felt as if he challenged my position as the oldest child in the family. These were bad fights now and it took us a long time to get past them. I don’t think that we ever got as close as we have been in our early childhood however. In his last year on this earth he started confiding in me and told me many of his problems. From my knowledge of today I know that they were only a minor fraction of what was bothering him, but it was a start. I felt like I really wanted to help him, so I tried. I tried talking to him, getting him to seek professional help, just being there for him, listening to him, arguing with him etc. I turned out that nothing helped. I could do nothing to change his mind in the end. It makes me so sad to know that I failed him. I often just talked with my mum about how best to help him. I think that it might have been better to just direct all that energy in talking about how to help him directly towards him. But it was so difficult to advise him what to do. He wouldn’t want to hear much of it. Only in certain moments you would not get screamed at immediately or he would not turn back at you and hurt you so deeply that you had to turn from him. The fear of something like that happening often kept me from talking with him directly. I wish I had been so scared. I know I am strong enough to take a lot so why did I not just let it happen? I am sorry, Alexander, that I failed to help you. I can’t even accuse you that you did not tell me what you were thinking about. I knew you were contemplating to do it and yet I did not do enough to keep you from doing it. I feel so guilty for that.

Three months

2009-08-03T10:26:00.001-06:00

Dear Alexander,

it has been three months now. Only three months - it seems like much, much longer. I miss you every day, there is no day that passes without thinking of you. I love you so much, my little big brother. I miss you terribly.
It often seems as if I am living a strange story taken out of a novel, not my own life. Do you know what you did do to us? Can you see our pain and hurt? Us caring and hoping, wishing that you are alright? Do you see mum being so helpless, so crushed as I have never seen her in my life? Do you know how much she loves you? I wish you could somehow tell her that you are alright, she wishes that so much and it is something that would mean the world to her.
Alexander, why did you do this? Why could you not live with us? What did I do wrong? I tried, I really tried to help you. I know it was not enough but oh I tried. I know you suffered but was it really worth it? Are you alright?
I cannot imagine never seeing you again, ever again. I thought we would grow old being six of us, not five. I hoped to see you find a wife, have kids and simply see you be happy. I cannot understand how you could choose not to see that for yourself. There was so much joy still left for you to live. You chose to walk away and it is so difficult for me to get that. There is an emptiness inside me that just aches at the thought of you doing that. How could you not be scared? And what did you think? How were you feeling? Were you full of hatred ‘cause we failed to help you, did you think of us at all or did you feel sorry for the pain you would cause us? Can you hear and see us now, feel how much we are suffering? Each and every one of us?
I have so many question I would like to ask you, there is so much more to say. I would give the world to see you again, touch you once more, tell you how much I love you. But tonight and forever I only cry for you.
You will be in my aching heart forever.

I miss you, little brother.

Carola

New problems

2009-07-29T01:54:00.000-06:00

With all those problems that have been unfolded in the aftermath of Alexander’s death I always made myself believe that this would not happen to me again, never again. I would hopefully see the signs early on and act in a better way. I would be able to help the person who might not even see he needs help.
Now, yes, already, I have a similar situation within my own family. A very close family member is behaving in ways I used to know from Alexander years ago. At this point it is in no way exactly like what it used to be like the last months of his life but how it was several years ago. And compared to that it is scarily similar. But what to do? I am just as helpless as ever, or almost. I hope that I can get that person to see a therapist, I guess, what changed is that I do see my own limits and those of my family clearer. I see where I need help. But I want to do more but am unable to help. I have to completely trust a therapist I do not know and believe in his/her ability. This family member does only seldom see the problems caused by him/her and mainly blames the others. There are outbursts of accusations and ugly at that which cause big problems within the family. I feel so helpless again, so tied down. Again I can only hope I am doing things better, I do not know it. I am so scared of a similar spiral as Alexander’s.

Memory thoughts

2009-07-20T00:55:00.000-06:00

Memory is such a strange thing. It comes and goes, and yet it is with you at all times. It is only more prevalent at certain times than at others. With my memories of Alexander comes my grief. It is similar to my memories, it also comes and goes and differs in intensity but it is always there underneath. And mostly, when it does come out, it hits hard.
I notice new sides of me. I feel like I am getting to know myself in another way. These sides have been there before, too, but I did not notice them or at least not to that degree. One of these is that I try to avoid masses of people more than I used to. While I was never one for many people they also did not bother me. Now they do mostly. I like being alone or with close family or friends while I find it much harder to be with friends not so close and trying to talk about stuff I do not want to talk about. But I see differences there more clearly than I used to, too. For example I notice that I make much more of an effort to meet family members that I am not so close to but who might like to become closer and get to know each other better. Even when this is not always easy I feel like it is important to know for myself that I tried at least to be in contact. I guess these things are driven by my underlying fear of someone else leaving me forever without saying a proper goodbye and leaving me again with the feeling of guilt that I did not try hard enough. Rationally I do understand that this is not going to change anything. If I would feel guilty these times of previous visiting would unlikely change that. And yet I am trying, fighting.
This is hard to do when you have part of your family on a different continent. I hope we will still spend some quality time together when we come to visit in August and September since I know more than ever how important this is.
And then I had a very important interview today. I had difficulties preparing for it since I could not concentrate as much as I had hoped for. Even though I was very nervous since this will decide where I will be the next few years and what I will be doing I had a strange calmness about the whole thing. Even if it will not work out I know that I will find another way to do my stuff. I know that I have the things most important in my life already. I have the most wonderful husband and a great family and friends, a roof over my head and am not alone even in the darkest of my moments on this earth yet.

Family weekend

2009-07-12T16:05:00.004-06:00

Finally we made it to my parents' this weekend. I was pretty nervous on Friday about how it would go, how it would hit me again. As I wrote in a previous post it always seems as if everything is getting more real when I am there and can be at the grave, too. I dread this feeling and at the same time I long for it as a way to start understanding, to start believing this actually happened. However, this time it was different. There was no such thing as understanding or believing. I think on a day where all of us are together and there is still someone missing I might start feeling it more. The past few days we were - now - almost complete, only my youngest brother missing. And Alexander, of course. But with two gone it seems normal, it was so rare that we were all together except for special occasions. And on Saturday we were working hard in the garden which kept thoughts to a minimum.
When we went to the grave today it still did not make me believe that my brother, my brother is actually buried there. Too surreal. Since it is also my grandfather's grave I see him there. I cannot shed any tears when I am there which makes me feel bad then, too.
What feels good is to talk about him and to share where we are standing. This, of course, is not always possible. On Saturday morning I think I was simply overwhelmed with so many dear family members around, making the same kind of bad jokes as always. I was sad and so those comments did not settle well with me. But then they are there for you too and give you a hug when you can take it. This is family, and I love it. I wish Alexander would have seen this amazing gift here, too. Then again I feel like he did know, he did feel it somewhere deep down. There must be a reason he did not do this when he was in the city he was studying in, that he did come home for so many weekends before. He would have never acknowledged that but I hope he felt it. I hope that he still felt somewhere deep down how much we all loved him. I know I am repeating myself here but this is so important to me, so so important. I wish I would have a way to tell him again how much he means to me.
I am not sure whether I mentioned this before but Alexander's vision of things and life in general were strongly changed by his bipolar disorder. In addition to that he took drugs for many years which might be the reason for his changed personality compared to his childhood. Now his drug use was not the most extensive and he managed very well to hide it from us how much he was taking. He did not make it easy for us to try to help him. In his bad times he kept pushing his loved ones away, hurting them knowingly and deep down. He was smart enough to know what to say or do. We still stood by him, loved him and kept trying and trying to do the right thing to make him see what he did. To understand this I have to say that none of us knew of his diagnosis until after his death. He himself must have, according to diaries, known from at least March onwards. While I did know he had depressions I still mainly believed that it was his temper that made him act like that. Now I know it was his illness. You would not believe how sorry he felt once he realized, often many months later, how he had hurt you. When another person would have forgotten about it he started thinking about it. And in his manic phases he was the most amazing brother ever. Sooo charming, so good looking, such a warm, catching smile, so smart and clever.
I noticed today how I am starting to remember those good times more. I just miss him so much that I think I am not forgetting, but simply feeling the good times more. Probably a natural thing but still so different. Of course there comes the fact too that I do now know what I did not then, that his illness often made him behave in a way different to what he might have done otherwise.
I plan to say a bit more about his personalty and his manic depression at some point although not today. Today I am just glad that I have my family and my dear husband to go through this together with.

Watching videos

2009-07-09T10:19:00.002-06:00

It was hard to concentrate today, again. I really need to prepare for an interview next Tuesday and still I am having so many problems with it.
I feel completely numb and so unable to cry when I think of Alexander. Looking up my brothers' emails I also looked up the ones I got from him. There was a link to a video he uploaded. On none of the you can actually see him since he is the one filming but you can here his voice, his laugh. It seems so alive. I cannot believe that he is not on this earth any longer. So, so hard to believe. You would think that after more than two months I would finally start realizing what happened. I fell as if the contrary is happening, I push it further and further and have no idea any more. I light candles for him, I listen to sad music but I rarely cry. I seldom feel completely down any more. But then I still have those problems concentrating, problems with getting myself organized and I am simply sad somewhere deep down. That I can feel but would be unable to tell you whether this comes from Alexander's death or something inside me. My rational tells me that the two are related but it is hard to understand.
I wish I could just cry for him. I feel almost as if I am being a bad sister not being able to cry for him. And then I also try to push the thought away, try to think there is no reason to cry. But there is, even though I am not completely able to realize the extent of this.

Difficulties in communication

2009-07-08T04:21:00.001-06:00

Usually I am pretty close to my mum. Especially now, after Alexander’s death, our feelings were similar and we could easily talk about them. It felt good to share. Not today. When we talked today it was really difficult for me. Lately, I feel like I need to be there for my mum who seems to have the same feelings of guilt over and over again. I do have them too, don’t get me wrong, but to a different degree. I feel so much guilt in very many aspects regarding Alexander. But with her it is different. She seems to feel nothing but guilt and grief, and it seems like her thoughts are so extremely focusing on Alexander that it is difficult for me to tell her what is going on with my life apart from my own grief about him. When I do tell her she listens but it seems as if she is so preoccupied with her own feelings that she does still listen and feel with me but not as much as she did before. She is too focused on Alexander. I do not mean this as an accusation but it is still difficult for me. Especially when I feel different about certain aspects of Alexander’s death. I do not think that a hug just before he left our home the very last time would have changed any of what he did later. It would help my mum, of that I am certain. And it would have been nice to know that he could feel my mum’s love one last time instead of just whishing him a good hunt. But I do believe that at this point, nothing could have changed his opinion of what he did to himself later. At least nothing my mum could have done.
When I try to tell her that I feel like she listens to me but does not believe it. Now I do not want to make her believe everything I think since it is all a big speculation what Alexander really was thinking. But I wish she could see that there are other possibilities, that it must not have been her fault. I wish I could help her. And when I feel like she does not understand me I grow silent and it must seem awful to her. Still I don’t want to end our phone conversation on that ground so we keep on going, mainly my mum telling me how she feels and what she thinks. I just feel so incredibly helpless then. I failed already one time when I tried to help. How could this change now? So I continue to be fairly silent and just listen. But it hurts not being able to help her, and it hurts that she seems so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t really see me on the other line anymore.
Before we talked I felt fine, now I am caught myself in those thoughts again. I hope I will still be able to get some of my stuff done since I have an interview next week. It is important that I can get my thoughts together and concentrate. However, sometimes it is oh so difficult.

Not knowing what to say

2009-07-08T03:16:00.000-06:00

We have guests right now. They are friends of Luke but not close at all. However, they will be with us when we will celebrate our wedding again with Luke’s family in September. I believe that they do not know what happened on May 3.
It is difficult for me to tell them. I feel so lost. We looked at wedding pictures and she asked me how many brothers I had. The answer goes easy, I have three brothers, but it is still painful. I have three brothers but one of them is gone to a far away place. I don’t know where he is. I feel like they should know but I still can’t just go up and tell them, by the way… And then again, maybe they do know. It is also possible that they simply don’t know what to say and so they just left it. But I hate this not knowing how to deal with them.
Today seems to be a hard day. In a way that is good since I felt so numb the last few days. I could not cry or even really think about Alexander. I just lived my life passively. I have gone through enough waves to know that I will feel the pain in all its enormity again soon. Just when exactly this will happen I do not know. It seems as if I can only tell in retrospective.

For Alexander

2009-07-07T02:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Alexander,

I don't know whether you can somewhere hear me or get this message somehow. I truly wish that you do.
First of all, we love you, I love you. We love you so so much, all of us. And we miss you terribly, I do believe more than you could ever imagine. Certainly more than I could imagine to ever miss someone. We try to find answers to our questions of why you did this. We make up explanations knowing you would probably counter most of them with your logic.
It is hard for me to try to understand how you felt, even when so many people try to describe this state. Why did you not really seek treatment? Why did you not give your life a chance? Why did you not let me know how dark it was inside you? I know you made attempts, and I am so sorry I did not understand you. I am so truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time. Would you have done it anyway? Or could I have saved your life? Those questions are coming back again and again.
Sometimes, though, it is as if you are just gone for a holiday. I could not bring myself to delete your phone number in my mobile. Maybe you will call me again some day? Oh how I would long for that.
I know that sometimes you were bitter and full of revenge for this world. I hope that you feel different now, that you can feel all the love that I and all of our family always wanted to give you and have you feel. I truly hope that you did not do this only to show us something. This thought scares me. If you had to do this I hope you had to do it because you could not see any other way, even though I am sure there was one. I wish you could tell me what you felt when you had pulled that trigger, this millisecond in between. Did you wish you had not done it? Were you happy that it was all over, all your pain?
Alexander, I hope you feel better now. I hope that this helped at least one of us. I don’t know how you could do this. Would you have done it even if you had not had access to the weapons? Where did we not hear you, how could I have truly helped you? Could I have done something else? Oh I have so many things I want to ask you, I want to understand. I wish I could get answers, honest answers.
One thing I know though and am so sorry that I did not tell you often enough: I love you, my dear, dear Alexander, my dear brother. I love you!

Carola

Two months

2009-07-03T10:19:00.000-06:00

Hard to believe, two months ago were the last few hours Alexander was with us on this earth. And I did not call him or do anything to let him know how much I love him. Despite all the arguments we sometimes had he was my younger, big brother. He is next to me in age, even if it is only by 20 minutes. Somehow it was still different. And now he influenced my life in a way I never could imagine one of my siblings to influence it.
I seem to be going through a phase in which I just do not believe what is going on. I have the feeling like I will simply some time wake up from this bad dream and he will be back again.
I have not been at my parents' for a little over a month. The time here has been hard at times. I was pleasantly surprised when my parents came last weekend for my birthday to visit us as a surprise. I enjoyed showing my dad the city and our surroundings. It was good that they were here. Of course we talked a bit about Alexander but it was not as prominent as it had been the times we had met before. I don't know whether this says something or not.
Last Saturday we went to a support group in town. It was an interesting experience. I almost chickened out but thankfully Luke convinced me to go. I felt so relieved afterward. It was not because they could really help me, I still have the same thoughts and feelings, but it was so comforting to be able to tell my story with all the small details that really keep me thinking to other people who would not be shocked, not be tempted to change the subject. They could actually listen. And the great thing was that then the topic moved on to some other person and his/her feelings and thoughts. For the first time when talking about Alexander it did not circulate only around him. This felt incredibly good. I am looking forward to the next meeting in a month.
On Tuesday I had to work a lot and was out for it. My mum called while I was gone for the first time and left a short message. I could hear in her voice that she was not doing well. When I called her back she did not have time to really talk since she was having lunch with my sister. She wanted to call me back but I mentioned that I wanted to take a nap before my next job which would run until late at night. Even though she understood I felt bad for quite a while. Did I let her down by not giving up my nap for her so she might feel better after talking with me? Very often do I feel this responsibility, not only for my mum but my dad, too, and especially my other siblings. I would not forgive myself not being there for them if they need me. I lost one of them, how could I survive losing someone else? I know that there is no immediate danger but this does not make me relax.

Loosing ground

2009-06-27T04:28:00.003-06:00

In the time after Alexander's death my family moved a lot closer together. This is true for us brothers and sisters, us and our parents, but also my aunts and uncles with their families. I have a pretty big family but most of them live around the town where my parents live. Still, before Alexander decided to leave us we did not meet all that often or even really talked. Of course we had big family celebrations together like my wedding with everybody coming but we still did not always take the time to simply meet over coffee. Now we meet more often, talk more, and they were even nice enough to bring over food in the first few weeks. My aunts still call my mum on most days to ask her how she is feeling. It is wonderful to know that there is family that tries to help us on this rough path.
One of my aunts is one of my godmothers and has always tried to be there for me. After we went back to our own home she wrote repeatedly a card or a letter to let me know she is thinking of me or to cheer me up. Now I received a parcel from her a few days ago. I thought how nice, I imagined a book about bereavement or something like that and opened it. I quickly found out that it was meant for my birthday. I just started crying, loosing ground, feeling so alone in this world. Luke was at work and I had my paper to write. So I had to deal with this alone. I had not expected to receive anything for my birthday yet. In fact I had not even thought of my birthday. I am not in the mood of celebrating anything. Even when I was a little kid I got scared of my own birthdays. I did not like being the special person for the day. Well, it was different for my wedding but to this day I am not a big fan of my birthdays. And certainly not this year. How can I skip this day? I just want to hide away from the world, be alone, all alone. And then this hurts, too. I do not know myself anymore. How could this happen? How can I stop feeling so out of touch with myself?

My story - the funeral and the time since then

2009-06-27T03:58:00.002-06:00

The day of the funeral was unreal. I do not know whether this is the word to describe it but certainly it was just not meant to be. I mean, how can I put my 23 year old brother to rest in a cemetery? He is meant to live for many more years! It is not right that he is in this coffin! I felt so helpless, I am the older sister, I should be able to help him, right? Why did he not come to me, why could I not help him? I would have moved heaven and earth to help him, to keep him alive!
I had not been to a service since my wedding. Isn't that awful? And then it happened that since were so many the front church pew was not long enough. So there were two chairs next to the pew. They were standing in the middle aisle. Since Luke and me were the last ones of my family to enter the church we had to sit there on those chairs. I could not help but think of our wedding just two weeks ago where we were sitting in a similar position but my world was still alright and the best it could have been.
Many of Alexander's friends had called us and wanted to contribute to the service. When his school friends, also trained singers, started singing, it was as if Alexander were up there. One of them had the same pitch of the voice. I wanted him to stop singing so badly even though it was so nice and beautiful and moving.
Our priest gave a wonderful sermon letting people know of how torn Alexander was inside himself without leaving out to mention his great smile, wonderful bright eyes, his warmth when he went to hug you. He had this wonderful gift of being 100% there for someone else who needed him. However, he could hurt you just as bad, too. And the priest encouraged us survivors to live. I am still trying.
There were hundreds of people to walk with him on his last way on this earth. Too many young people. I mean, there should be mainly old people when a funeral takes place, right?
Alexander had always said the last few weeks how he was so alone. There were sooo many friends of his there to be with him one last time! He was not alone. One of them wrote us later, even though Alexander could not see it any more, he had many friends who were there for him and now miss him dearly. A few brought a tree the day of his funeral. The next day they came to pick it up again - they were going to plant it in their garden but wanted to show him the tree first. Now they can still have him with them in years to come when they party or have barbecue in that garden. How wonderful and yet so depressing to know that he had the friends, but could simply not see it anymore.
On Saturday we moved his stuff out of his place in the town where he studied. I was not there, I did not need to see the room. Alexander had only moved in there right after our wedding, so he barely lived there for two weeks. Ever since then it became real in a certain way that he is gone when I saw his stuff.
On Sunday night we went back to our home. The next few weeks now almost two months were tough. I got to know myself in ways that I did not need to know. Sometimes I get angry and upset without reason. Sometimes poor Luke is in my way then. I am so sorry for not being able to deal with my emotions at all times. We went to see my parents fairly often. While it was good to see them it was always really hard to be there, too. But what I miss most here is not being able to go to his grave. The first month I could barely even cry. I thought I had to cry a lot. But tears came, although not nearly as often as I thought they had to come. Just before the first four weeks had passed I started having really bad weeks where I could not do anything. I had to write a paper for school but was unable to even do the tasks I usually do to keep me from my desk. I have never before felt so completely helpless. I finally managed to hand in my paper last Tuesday after receiving some help from my professor, my aunt and my parents. I believe I would not have managed to finish in time without their help. Thanks for your help!

My story - After the news

2009-06-26T03:46:00.004-06:00

As said before, my mum wanted us down as soon as possible. I did not know what I wanted so I just tried to do what she told me to do. Since we do not own a car it was a little bit complicated to get down leaving around 10pm on a Sunday night. Thankfully, we could still rent a car, had friends of ours to drive us to the rental agency and then went onto the highway. It was a horrible drive. In the beginning we were still full of adrenaline but that left after two or so hours. Then it started raining heavily, and Luke had to drive all the way because I had enjoyed too much wine previously. It was a horrible drive. Around 2.30 in the morning we finally arrived at my parents house. I could only hold my parents, my brother and cry. Although it was so late we sat down and they told me what had happened.
That night we did not sleep much. In the morning we got up and were the first ones after my mum who was on the phone when we came into the dining room. We did not want to disturb her, so we left the room. When she hung up I could hear her starting to sob heavily. Immediately I went in to hug her but our dog was faster. The dog had heard my mum, too, and just went to her chair and leaned on her legs looking at her as if she was trying to comfort her. I will never forget this scene, how she was so fast in feeling what my mum needed.
The day was tough. We had to go to the funeral home and arrange the funeral. It was decided to be held on Friday, May 8. I created the draft of the obituary, too. That was the first time I really noticed that my brother was gone. You know, when you are children you are always called in a certain way. Well, it was so often that I put the names of the six of us in the order of birth next to each other. So when it came to put down the names of us siblings I just started writing the names, including Alexander. Only after I had written his name did I notice I had to delete it again. His name was on the top of the obituary. I am crying while typing this. I can still not believe that I really, really lost my younger brother. How could this happen?
The next day, Tuesday, Luke, my youngest brother and me went to see the priest that married Luke and me. It was good to talk with him. One thing of our conversation is still helping me. In the hope that it might still help someone else, too, I will share it here. Our priest told us about a young child with a fatal disease. The parents came to the priest to have their child baptized. He asked them how they could still be so hopeful. They answered that another young child had told them how it happened to be that their child had to die: It is really simple. God cannot heal him down here on earth, he has to take him up into heaven to be able to heal him completely.
That night the coffin was brought to our house for the viewing. Alexander stayed with us for the night. I went to see him and talk to him in the hope to really see myself that my brother is really gone. I did not recognize him anymore. Only his hands were still his hands. It did not give me the relieve I had hoped it would give me.
Early the next morning they picked him up again. When I saw the car with him disappear around the corner, leaving our home for the last time, it was as if something broke inside me again. And yet there was my mum behind me crying, too. Thankfully my brother was there to hold her, I could not have managed to do it.
The days before Friday were busy arranging flowers, talking with the priest who was going to do the sermon for Alexander, sending out the obituary notices and just being there for one another. We felt that we all got so incredibly close to one another. Not that we had not been close before, but this was a new closeness. I was glad to have a husband beside me to help me get through those days. As the oldest sister I felt like having to hold my younger siblings, being there for my parents, too. So I was and still am so grateful to have someone to lean on.

My story - 3 May 2009

2009-06-25T08:33:00.003-06:00

It is difficult to write this part. Even after almost two months it is so hard.
On Sunday morning we had an extended breakfast, a relaxed day with still getting lots of things done like cleaning the apartment. For dinner I cooked a really nice meal, asparagus with new potatoes, a first timer for me. I had lots of wine with it, my husband fortunately a bit less. After dinner Luke went ahead and started making brownies to take with him to work the next day since they were planning to give him their gift for our wedding. While he made the dough I uploaded the pictures of our wedding so that our guest could finally look at them. We were still in so good spirits!
Around 9 pm the phone rang. It was my mum. I have never heard her say my name like she did and I hope I will never hear it like this again. I knew immediately something bad had happened. I even referred it to Alexander. She said something like "Alexander shot himself. You and Luke have to come home." I did not ask any questions. I just said OK and hung up. I was in shock. I don't remember what I did next, Luke told me. Apparently I just leaned against the wall, slid down and sat completely powerless on the ground. Finally I told Luke, Alexander shot himself. He asked me whether he was dead. Only then did I realize that I did not know for sure. All of a sudden there was this little bit of hope inside me, even though I knew the answer. I called my mum back and asked. After that, I knew for sure that my little brother had died.

My story - the week before

2009-06-25T08:07:00.000-06:00

We still felt that amazing happiness surrounding us, I think it was one of the happiest two weeks in my life. The first week of our 'normal' life had passed. On April 30 my mum came to visit us and brought all the presents (we did not want to take them along on our honeymoon...). She stayed for one night. We were all worried about Alexander, more than we had been in a long time. During the week I had picked up a brochure about depression, I had talked to my aunt about how worried I was that he did not seem to enjoy the wedding celebrations. We could not see him on any, ANY picture of the party in the evening! It turned out later that he had spent most of the evening talking with one of our guests, a priest, and even went to sleep during the party, came back but left early. I talked with one of my other brothers and mentioned my worry. He planned to move to the same town as my other two brothers, including Alexander, and told me how he was worried about Alexander coming to him often to talk about his problems - Alexander was running in circles, we all knew what he would say, we would listen, we would say whatever we thought might help him, we did that many, many hours. I told my aunt that I felt that Alexander needed to do something now. It was in the air that he needed to decide and get help. I never imagined the other possibility of that decision although Alexander had mentioned suicide on several occasions to me. We had even debated the pros and cons about it together. One time I was on the verge of driving 250 miles one day to be there and help him find a therapist. Although I took it serious I did not know how to really help him. However, the week before I said to my mum that the next time he would mention anything like that I would call a helpline to have him taken into hospital. After referring to a therapist we were encouraged, however, to go and be with him immediately. Apparently, it would not help to have him hospitalized if he did not want to be treated or did not see himself as being sick. He would just feel like he could not trust me any longer. Instead, we were encouraged to go and be with him asap to help and be there. I even laid out a plan how to help him the week before!!
So my mum came to visit and was visibly nervous since Alexander was going to start with hunting season on the morning of May 1st. However, nothing happened, and he went hunting again that evening and the next day. My little cousin was with him on those trips to the forest. All of us relaxed a bit. It seemed that Alexander could handle weapons and was not harming himself. We were wrong.

My story - the wedding

2009-06-25T07:12:00.000-06:00

It is hard to think where to start, so I will start with my wedding. I think my story begins here, since my feelings were severely changed after May 3.
I had my absolute dream wedding on April 18, 2009. We celebrated for three days, beautiful weather, all dear friends and family with us, it was wonderful. On the evening before the wedding we had a big party during which my brothers and sisters performed a splendid play depicting my husband Luke and myself in 30 years with children and all. It was so funny! I laughed and had tears streaming down my face. What a wonderful gift! The service at church was also amazing: I had all my five brothers and sisters around me, and all of them were involved in the ceremony. My younger sisters were my bridesmaids, one of my brothers helped with the procession and said a special prayer, the other one was a groomsman and Alexander, who was a singer, sang with my aunt a piece by Bach and Amazing Grace. It was beautiful! With this all of them helped so much to make our wedding special.
After a big breakfast with our guests we drove back to my parents' house the morning after. In the evening we opened our presents with our immediate family. After that my husband's family had to go to the airport to fly home. My husband's cousin and her husband, however, stayed for a few more days to spend with us. Alexander kept the list with all the presents and generous givers. Those were the last few hours I spent with my brother. However, he was there, but he was also absent. It is hard to describe, but even though he was present, event talked with us about the exact name of the giver, his attitude was such that I quickly forgot that he was there. It was so often during his last few weeks that he was asleep for most of the day or that he was not really involved in whatever was going on that we almost did not expect him to be there. And yet he was and helped us along, in fact is still helping us (we are still writing thank-yous...). I do not remember whether he was there and ate dinner with us that evening. Both Luke and me were really exhausted from a week of few hours of sleep, so we went to bed early that night and slept in. The next day we were touring in the area of my parents place with our two remaining guests and had dinner again at my parents'. Again, I do not remember Alexander being there, although I am fairly sure that he was. We were all happy and still full of the amazing, glowing feeling that was still surrounding us after the wedding. I was living a dream, finally being married to the love of my life. Later, after dinner that night I remember going out in the hallway, where Alexander was headed towards his room. He looked sad. So I asked him whether everything was alright, and he answered "no". So I asked again: "So what is wrong?" His reply: "Simply everything". I hugged him, wanting to ask a bit more. Just that moment our mum came in the hall and through my hug I felt him stiffen up - he did not want her to be there that moment. After my mum had left again it was not the same atmosphere between us anymore, and I did not feel like working hard to restore this feeling since I had guests in the living room. You always have a brother, and even if he is not feeling well, I can listen to him later, right? And truth be told, I knew already his story of what was wrong. It was always the same story and I had heard and listened to it many times. So I headed for the living room while Alexander went to bed. It was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning we were in a rush to leave for our next stop on our 'honeymoon', my aunt's place. However, we still packed all our gifts (which took a while), so I am pretty sure we did not leave before noon, more like at 1pm. Alexander was still not awake and we were in a rush to finally leave and see at least something of the mountains that day. So I just told my other brother to say goodbye to Alexander, I did not go in his room again. I wish I had said at least a proper goodbye.
We continued with our honeymoon, said goodbye to our guests, had some time by ourselves and finally got back home.

What this blog is about

2009-06-25T06:50:00.000-06:00

This is meant to introduce myself and explain the reason for starting this blog. I lost my dear brother, Alexander, on May 3rd of this year to suicide. He was only 23 years old. Ever since then I am trying to find ways to deal with the grief that took hold of me after I learned of his decision to end his life.
I do not know how this will go, but I think for myself this blog could prove helpful in learning how to live with this incredible loss. Please forgive me if I feel that I need to end it sooner than I imagine right now - as I said, it is only an attempt of finding a way through this difficult time.
Another reason for starting this blog, however, is to share with you my feelings so that you might find a little bit of consolation if you are a survivor, too, that you are not alone with this grief. And if you found this site because you are thinking about ending your life I hope you will think again. It is unimaginable how the decision of one person can change so many lives profoundly.